By No Means
by Roxas-meh-Soxas
Summary: Nothing but much randomness... i mean ALOT of randomness. No pairings, no drama... unless you like duck drama... and no kissing. Too bad...
1. Just To Piss You Off

By No Means

Disclaimer: Ah... this is my first... so... to those reading it, eat your fking hearts out. I don't own anyone in this story! Except a self-insert! That's me! Whee-hee! I own myself!

By the way... the storyline is set to KH 1... so when i refer to Ansem I mean Xehanort's heartless.

Chapter 1: Just to piss you off

As the wind blows, two boys are seen running down the coast. the brunette falls into the water. Is he drowning? Quick, someone come to his rescue! Oh, never mind. You can't drown in water that comes to your knees.

"Crap, Riku. I said I didn't want to get wet!"

"You're the one that fell."

"You pushed me!"

Riku's right eye twitched slightly: "You calling me a liar?"

"Yeah."

"That's it. You and me, we gotta fight, to the death."

"Fight?"

"Yup."

"To the death?"

"That's what I said."

"Why?"

"Stop asking questions and get your sword."

Sora pulls out a wooden sword from. nowhere, and Riku get his oh-so-cool Dragonwing.

"What? That's not fair! I don't have my Keyblade!"

"Not my fault you're unprepared. Now face my wrath!"

Riku whacked Sora in the head, spilling blood. Leaving the brunette lying facedown in the sand, bleeding profusely, he walked away.

"Never again, and never again. They gave us two shots to the back of the head, and we're all dead now."

"Burn! Mwah-hahaha!" Sephiroth dances around a campfire.

"Uh, yeah. That's what it's supposed to do."

"I know! Isn't it wonderful!"

"Quiet down, don't piss you pants because of a frikken fire."

"But-"

"Ah-ah. No more." Cloud gets up and walks into the lush jungle of his island imprisonment.

"Wait. Where you going?"

"Taking care of some. business. Damn. Of all the people I had to be marooned with, it's that freak."

He unbuckles all of his belts and. does his business. behind a tree. No peeking!

"Hey, your name. What's it?"

"For the last time. Leon."

"Like lemon?"

"No."

"If you add a m' it is."

"But that's not how you spell my name."

"But what if it was?"

"Listen, whoever-you-are."

"Kairi."

"Whatever. Stop following me around."

"But you're lost."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I dunno Lemon."

"Dammit! It's Leon! LEON! L-E-O-N! NO M'!"

"Alright, you don't have to yell. I'm not stupid."

"Yeah, let's go with that. So... where are we?"

Kairi shrugs. "How am I supposed to know?"

"...You... live...here..."

"Oh, that's right! How did you know, Lemon?"

"Graahh! Just call me Squall. Alright?"

"'Kay! So, how'd you get here, Squall?"

"Uh, shipwreck."

Kairi's eyes got big as her head and protuberant, "Really! Did you live?"

Leon's right eye twitches violently.

"Oooh, Squash. You should get that checked out."

-Twitchy Twitch-

"Is that normal?"

-Twitch twitch twitchy twitch twitch-

Leon runs off into the sunset, but not before Kairi latches on to his right leg. "Where are we going, Lemon?"

"GAAAHHHH!"

Hours later Sora awakes on the coast in the moonlight.

"Wha? Who's there?"

It's me! The narrator person. Thing-y.

"Well, shut-up. I've got a headache."

How dare you talk to me that way! I can make anything happen in this story that I want to!

"Oh, yeah, well, make something happen, then"

Fine. Just then, a giant wave appears, but it's not just any wave it's a tsunami! But not just any tsunami, it's a mega-tsunami! And Sora is carried off to sea.

"So, I can swim."

And Sora is in trouble, cause… he can't swim!

"Wha-" Sora says as he goes under. Just kidding! It was all just a vision that I created in Sora's head!

"..."

Yup. He's speechless. Now dance my puppet, dance!

...Sora does a little jig throughout the night.

MEANWHILE!

Riku had just finished a nice milkshake. Yum. Yes it took him all day to get a milkshake. He's just walking down the street. And Yuffie! She just appears, cause I say so.

"Yo!"

"Yo."

"Whatcha doin'?"

"Going to the loo."

"Eh?"

"The john."

"Ah?"

"The bucket."

"Uh...huh."

"Y'know the pee-pee pot?"

"Ye-...no."

"The bathroom! Potty!"

"Oh, right."

"Now, outta my way, simple mortal."

Riku goes into the potty room, and he... potties. What else would he be doing?

... Ok! He's finished! Yea! He's a big kid now!

Yuffie bust into the men's room, and nobody in the immediate area seems to notice. Hello! Girl into boy's room? That's bad!

"Hey! Whatcha doing?" She asked as she did eighty jumping jacks.

"You'd better be glad that I had my pants on when you barged in here like that."

"Yup! Sure am!" she said as she twirled in a 360-degree angle.

"Then why did you just bust in here?"

"The Voices told me to!" she said as she hopped repeatedly on one foot.

"Voices?" Riku asked as he cocked that beautiful head of his.

"Yup!" she said as she continued to hop.

"Yeah. I'm going home."

"No, wait! Really!" Yuffie said, as she did, like fifty cartwheels around Riku.

"Really? Then what are they telling you now?"

Yuffie stopped bouncing around like an idiot who's had caffeine pumped right into her brain and makes thinking face.

"Uh...Yuffie?"

"Shhh! The Voices… they're telling me to."

"Yeah?"

"They say... KILL RIKU!"

You'd think that someone whose friend just said that voices told her to kill you would, you know, be freaked out. But not Riku.

Yes, he has nerves of steel that he does.

"Which one?"

"Eh?"

"Which Riku? One k' or two?"

"Hold on. They say two."

"Sorry, I'm one."

"Oh, well, sorry bout that." Yuffie walked off.

"Oh, wait! Where can I find Rikku?"

"She should be just walking around… um, she's blonde and the only one wearing shorts, a bra, and a scarf."

"Like me!" Yuffie bounced around Riku.

"That's really not something you should be proud of."

"Well, I'm off to carry the will of the Voices!" she said as she saluted Riku and bounced her way down the road.

"You do that..."

Riku walked his way to his house and about twenty minutes from his front door, he stepped in the some gooey, tar stuff, and his foot was stuck. He could have just taken his shoe off, but… he was wearing his evil skirt thing of darkness. And if you have played the game, then you know, and have made fun of at some point, that the outfit is one complete piece. Yup. So instead of just removing his shoe, he had to completely strip.

Fangirl #1: Yay! I wish I would have brought my camera!

Yes, The silver-haired hottie was now running down the street in his boxers to his front door. Wouldn't you like to look out of your window and see him dashing down the road in nothing but boxers?

Yes, of course you would.

BUT THAT DOESN"T MATTER!

"Cloud?"

"Mmmmppphh.?"

"Light the fire, again?"

"No, go to sleep."

"Please?"

"I don't trust you."

Sephiroth gives Cloud the puppy eyes. Awww… he's so coot!

"Not gonna work."

"Oh, yeah? Well. I'll show you!"

And Sephiroth storms off into the jungle… and returns. with chibis! Awww… They're all little and bloodthirsty. Besides that… they were all jumping on Cloud. And now they're suffocating him.

-GASP! - A sea of cute, bloodthirsty Sephy chibis is suffocating Cloud!

Fangirl #2 appears out of nowhere and throws her hands up in agony and screams,

"NOOOOOO!"

"Hey, Lemon? How come your hair is wet?"

"It's not wet."

"But it looks that way."

"But it's not."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Really, Lemon?"

"My hair is not wet, and STOP CALLING ME LEMON! DAMMIT!"

"Right. Sorry. It's Squash now, isn't it?"

"You know, I can be just as annoying as you."

"Nuh-uh!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, try me."

"Fine. Lemon."

"..."

What's this? Leon is speaking in dots, again. This should be good.

Fangirl #3 is all -drool drool-

"Hey, I'm talking to you."

"..."

"That's not funny."

"..."

"Hey-"

"..."

"Quit it!"

"..."

...Kairi screams and runs off into the jungle. Wait were in the hell are they?

Sora walks into a random pub and sits at the front desky table thing. Look Riku walks in, And he has clothes. So disappointing.

Fangirl #1: Aww...Shoot! I brought my camera and everything.

"Hey, you, didn't I kill you...?"

"Uh… no? Maybe? I don't really know."

"Yeah, remember? On the first page. I killed you."

"Oh yeah. But I was revived on page four."

"Oh."

"Yeah, and on the same page I was carried off to sea, or was that a dream? Either way I spent the entire night doing a jig for... undisclosed reasons."

"Oh, yeah, well, Yuffie almost tried to kill me on the scene change on page four and five."

Sora cocked his head and a quizzical expression slid onto his face.

"Eh?"

"Long story. Anyway, I ended up running down my street in my boxers. On page six. "

"How did you go from almost being killed to running down your street in boxers?"

"Never you mind."

"Tell me."

"Huh?"

"What happened. Tell me."

"...I...forget."

"Liar."

Sora didn't learn his lesson from the first page. Oh, well. Sucks for him.

"What. Did. You. Just. Say?"

"You're a liar."

"You were lucky. You're the only one that has ever lived after calling me a liar. But not this time."

Riku gets the Dragonwing. And Sora has his Keyblade. Sora came prepared!

The two step outside the pub and prepare to fight. To the death.

Fangirls #1-25 and Fanboys #1-3 are crowded outside.

They would've gotten what they paid for, except for the tiny fact of the key chain thing that is on the end of the Keyblade. What's so bad about that you wonder. Well at the sight of it, Riku was hypnotized. Yup, he'd do anything for that shiny.

-Ansem appears-

"Yo."

Well, almost anything. Not today Ansem, not today. So Riku seized the Keyblade, forgetting about the fight to the death, and ran off.

"Hey!" was all that Sora managed to say before the chapter came to an abrupt ending.

...TO BE CONTINUED

That was a really long first chapter. It took like forever and a half. Yeah, I was going for an Ansemless chapter but I couldn't resist. I heart My Chemical Romance. That little quote at the beginning after Riku killed' Sora is from I Never Told You What I did for a Living'. Awesome song about bloody sheets, and yeah. I can always babble on and on (and on and on and on and on and on.) about how hot the frontman is but I gots to go write on the next chapter for you to enjoy. Yes, love me.


	2. I Never Got Around to Actually Naming it

Chapter 2: I never got around to actually _naming _it…

Disclaimer: Still, I own none of the characters except… Dio-Chan the Duck. My duck. Get away from him!

NOTE: Ansem Xehanort's Heartless; Riku A.D.D; Kairi Stupid; Sephy Chibi Cute; Leon Insane. Thank you!

"_Meh" _Thoughts

**Meh**Stressed words

ALSO: Due to complaints of confuzzlement from my Alter-Ego… I shall try my best to make things clearer –ahem-

"Riku, dammit! This isn't funny!"

We begin another chapter where Sora and Riku are running. Yup, Riku is running away with Sora's Keyblade.

Oh, great… Selphie…

She's never looked upon as a great character. It's always 'look, it's Selphie. Whoopdi-frikken-do.' It's never 'look, it's Selphie! Yea!' But hey, it's not my fault she's annoying in that damn yellow dress. Damn, I hate yellow. And dresses, I hate dresses. And her hair… it's all… flippycurlyturny. Anyways, Selphie.

"Nyah-nyah-nyah!"

Yes, that's all she says. Mostly because I don't have any dialogue for her. I don't even know why she's here.

Right, back to the chase. Riku, with his superior speed, was able to lose Sora quite easily. "Riku! Come back with my Keyblade!" Sora wheezed as he began to slow down. "Damn, I'm out of shape…"

"Hah! Shiny mine!" Riku screamed maniacally. And Riku ran off into that oh-so-familiar Sunset. Followed by Fangirls #1-17 and Fanboy #2.

"RIKKU!! WHERE ARE YOU?!" Yuffie screamed as she ran through a crowd of people in the busy Outdoor Shoppy… Place… Thing. Even if she were to find Rikku in the mass of people, she would've run right past her and not even noticed.

"Oh, what am I to do?" She asked herself as she sat down on an occupied bench. The lady sitting there was befuddled by Yuffie plopping herself down beside her and talking to seemingly no one.

"If the Will of the Voices isn't carried out… then there will be hell to pay… I don't want to pay hell! I can barely pay my rent…" Yuffie continued. The lady twitched away from her. "…what was I talking about…? Wait! I must carry out the Will of the Voices!" And with that, out friend goes zooming down the street looking for Rikku once again.

Eventually, after much trial and error, Yuffie found the elusive Rikku. And this is what happened when Yuffie met Rikku. These two shouldn't even be in the same country together, let alone the same Outdoor Shoppy Place Thing. Tetsuya Nomura 1 realizes this.

"Hey! Are you Rikku?" Yuffie said as she ran up to Rikku.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?!?" Rikku screamed at Rikku.

"Huh?" Yuffie cocked her head.

"You stole my outfit!" Rikku accused.

"Actually… you stole my outfit. Final Fantasy VII came out, like, five years before Final Fantasy X-2…" Yuffie said, rubbing her temples.

Rikku paused for a second before screaming, "So?!!?"

"Besides, the original is always better!" Yuffie commented.

"Nuh-uh! You're crazy!!" Rikku twitched.

Then there was a silence. Yes, a silence so silent that it makes you ears hurt and your eyes collapse into themselves.

"I HAVE FEATHERS!!! AND BEADS!!!" Rikku screamed suddenly.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPP

Sephy Chibi walks onto set

"Terribly sorry, but the narrator person has ran out of dialogue for this section. To compensate for this, she has decided to… uh… line!!"

Identical Sephy Chibi holds up a placard

"…she has decided to skip to Lemon, er, Leon… and Kairi. Applause. Step off set… oh, sorry.

Sephy Chibi walks off set

Fangirl #7: Aww… its sooo cute! –pokes at chibi-

"Aw… now it's all boring-like without someone to annoy with my annoying voice and the annoying way I run and my abnormally big head and my stupidity." Kairi said as she kicked at a tiny pebble.

"Ow!" A teeny-tiny voice rang out.

-Gasp!- Who said dat?

Kairi looked stupidly about her surroundings, scratched her head a proceeded to kick at the penny… wait… penny? It was a pebble just five seconds ago. Kairi stared at the penny for five days… yes, five days without eating, drinking, bathrooming, or blinking. Just drooling, lots and lots of drooling. Then with the speed of a speeding slug, Kairi noticed that what she had kicked at was not a pebble, or even a penny for that matter. It was now an Ansem Chibi.

Despite the fact that I have a thing for silver-haired guys… coughcoughRikucoughwinkSephirothwinkspinsaroundbloodgushesfrommouthdies Ansem… scares me… and he isn't hot… but Billy Zane 2 is!

Yes… well the Ansem Chibi…

Kairi reached her hand out to pet this little wondrous demon and… it bit her.

Now, normal people would walk away from such an encounter. Or, if you're like me, kick the little bastard and be on your way. But **_NO_**! Kairi just has to be an effin retard!

The redhead stared at her bleeding hand… and back at the chibi, who was blinking innocently, back at her hand… chibi, hand, chibi, drooled a bit and reached her hand out yet again to pet the chibi.

You might be able to guess what happened… yes, it bit her hand again. This time, however, Kairi decided to act as if she had some kind of a fraction of a brain. A fraction so low that I have not yet thought of a number to describe it.

She said aloud to the Ansem Chibi, which was busy trying to catch a dragonfly, "It's like Riku always said: Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice… screw you, I'm calling my attorney." And she walked away from the Ansem Chibi.

Now it's time for an infomercial break!! A blissful melody plays in the background

A lone Sephy Chibi sits and plays with a broken toy

"This is one of millions of chibis that need a warm, loving home."

Announcer Lady walks over to the Sephy Chibi and picks it up

"You can help a cute chibi by adopting one or just by sending a monetary donation to make sure that one of these little guys receives food rich in nutrients that it needs. This next segment will show just how many chibis there are that need help form you."

Ten Riku Chibis chase after one Sora Chibi that has a shiny key; three Yuffie Chibis stand on their heads; four Sephy Chibis gather around a fire that consists of two Cloud Chibis; a Leon Chibi stands off to the side while eight Kairi Chibis bounce around him and poke at him; Six Rikku Chibis chase a Yuffie Chibi; a Yuffie Chibi and two Sora Chibis throw stuff at a Cloud Chibi; a Leon Chibi and a Yuffie Chibi make out in a corner; an Ansem Chibi makes lunch out of a dragonfly while three other Ansem Chibis babble incessantly about darkness to a Sora Chibi and a Riku Chibi.

"You see? There are so many more that we haven't even shown you. These chibis have been abandoned and they need you help. So please, call this number so that you can make a difference in their lives."

the now bloody announcer walks away with a Sephy Chibi gnawing on her arm, and Ansem Chibi gnawing on her leg, and a Riku Chibi gnawing on her head

Infomercial over!

So now that we've seen what Kairi has been doing for the last five days, time for everyone's favorite bad boy!

"Finally… peace at last…" Leon said as he stretched in the sand.

Then that oh-so-familiar silence, you know, that silence that is so silent that it pierces your eardrums and you eyes roll into the back of your head you go into convulsions…? Yeah, that silence. The silence that can drive men mad was doing just that to Leon.

He about the beach not caring about who or what saw him and he ate sand, screaming between mouth-fulls and he hugged trees and ate their bark.

The trees jumped back in fear and agony but Leon didn't care or rather he didn't notice. He was far too busy imitating a bunch crabs. He scuttled along the seashore and he hopped in front the bunch and roared. The trees and crabs feared this crazy man. But they soon looked past their fear and were in the midst of a burning rage.

Who was _he _to come to their island and scare them so badly that their children would have the Aztec Revenge 3? And their children's children would be asthmatic. And their children's children's children would never have any good luck especially with animals?

The trees then launched a volley of coconuts and the crabs pinched at his legs.

"Argh!! It burns!!" AIEEEEEE!!!" He screamed as he wiped coconut milk from his eyes.

Blinded and confused, Leon thought of only getting away from the crabs. He ran towards the angry mob of trees, and let me tell you, they were a notch above mighty pissed.

Branches fell upon him and roots rose to trip him, but the darling Leon was too fast for those darn trees. He made it to an opening in the dense forest. Since then… the trees had stopped trying to kill him. For the falling star that all trees worship was in the sky.

Why would trees worship a falling star, you ask? Well, I'm not exactly sure why, actually… here's a better question… why are you wasting time sitting at your computer when you should be outside? Now, don't question me again.

Right the opening… this was the campsite of those long forgotten hotties Cloud and Sephiroth. Go ahead… admit that you've forgotten them. It's okay.

Fangirl #8: I didn't!! –holds up a poster that reads 'Marry me, Cloud!!'-

But Leon didn't know this. All he saw was the remains of a campfire and a half-eaten tent. He cocked his head and wandered to the center of the mess of a campsite.

"Something definitely happened here…"

Just then, Leon stepped on something… something that was little and smushy. Yes, it was smushy. And it… squeaked?

"What the…?" Leon said as he lifted his foot. "What is that?" He asked as a little silver flash dashed from his foot to hide behind the half-eaten tent.

"Hey… guy… hey…" he said in a gentle, quiet voice. He crouched down and walked slowly to the tent.

The little thing squeaked out something that sounded like "eeek greee re-un-ion… re-un-ion…"

Leon cocked his head, "Uh… reunion?" he repeated. "What reunion?"

"Re-un-ion… re-un-ion…" it squeaked again.

"What, do you want to go to a reunion somewhere? Or do you want me to come to your reunion?" Leon asked, now thoroughly confused.

It said it again, only this time the squeak seemed to be coming form behind him… and from either side of him. He then realized that he was surrounded by the silver little thingies. Not knowing if they meant to befriend him or consume his flesh, he backed away from the half-eaten tent.

He turned around and there were dozens, no scratch that, hundreds of little Sephy Chibis.

"Re-un-ion, re-un-ion, re-un-ion…" They all said in squeaky little voices. They closed in on Leon from all sides. He then knew that he was never meant to leave this accursed island ever again.

On a lighter note…

Let's get back to Riku. If you recall… he had just stolen Sora's Keyblade. Sora, of course, couldn't keep up.

But Riku had long forgotten about the shiny when the most peculiar thing happened to be following him. It was… a duck… riding a turtle. Odds are you've never seen a turtle-riding duck. It's not very interesting… but Riku is Riku.

He has the attention span of cheese. That he does.

He stopped to stare at the duo.

"_How does the duck stay on its shell…?" _he wondered. _"Ducks don't have thumbs, do they?" _Riku asked himself and he scratched his head. Idea? Yes, idea. He would ask the duck.

"Hey, duck! You got thumbs?" He turned around and blurted at the unsuspecting duck.

The duck hopped off the turtle and said in a very sophisticated British accent, "Why, of course not, silly Riku. I've got wings… see?" The Duck said holding up one of its wings. But Riku did not see, for he had since forgotten about his question and was now interested in the turtle. He poked it… and poked it… and poked it.

Yep… cheese.

"Ahem! Riku, pay attention."

"Who are you…?" Riku said as he inclined his head slightly. "… and why do you know my name?"

"Well, if you had been paying attention, I was about to introduce myself--" the Duck began.

"Hey. Did you know you have a monocle?" Riku interrupted.

"Yes. I know I do." The Duck said calmly.

"Did you know you have one of those mustaches that curl at the end that all evil men seem to have? Well… except Ansem. I guess he's too feminine…" Riku trailed off.

"Ye-wait… What are you talking about?"

"I don't know. What? Are you crazy?" Riku asked.

"Listen, Riku, I have been sent here to seek…"

"Hey! Look! Shiny!" Riku said as he ran toward the Keyblade.

"Riku! Will you pay attention?"

But it was in vain, for the silver-haired Bishie ran off from the very spot that the turtle was.

"Oh, dear…" the Duck said and he hung his head and hopped back onto the turtle.

And they followed Riku at an extremely slow pace.

Now, let's check back on Yuffie and Rikku.

I kinda ran out of dialogue for that section, sooo… Viola!

"Feathers? What the crap? I will kill you!" Yuffie screamed.

"Yeah?! Well, I'd like to see you try!!!" Rikku retaliated.

AND… the fight of the century began…. But first there was a stare down.

Rikku and Yuffie glared at one another for hours. We'll just leave those two for a bit…

Uh…. Sora. Yes, him. He's all outta breath and such. He had fainted on the soft sand of the beach after Riku had run off.

He awoke. "Wha? Again? Hey. Announcer Lady… I know you're here."

Announcer Lady? I'm a narrator! Gah… do I have to keep telling you this?

Sora backed away from the shore. There was no way that he was going to get carried off to sea again.

"There's no way that I am going to get carried off to sea again…" he said completely ignoring the fact that he had just said what I had.

Just then, Sora realized something… he had a cape. Yes, he had a red cape. I don't know why… well, yeah, I do. But I'm not gonna tell you! The cape was all attached to Sora's red jumpsuit apparatus. As if it had always been there. But we all know that it hasn't.

I know that, because if you're reading this… you probably don't have a hobby. I know my hobby. It's criticizing you people for not having one of your own. Yup, see? I'm normal, folks. Really! I don't stalk people at all! coughcough

Right, Sora's cape…

Guess what… Sora can fly! Look at him go! Whoosh…! Yea!

Alright, because Sora is so naïve that he's cute… I'll stop freaking him out now…

And he fell asleep on the grainy surface of the beach

DA-DA-DUN DA-DA-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN!!!!

Can it be…? Is it possible that… maybe Cloud isn't as dead as we thought? Yes, it is. Such is da powa of Square-Enix ™. Well, he is still dead… but he's a ghost! Yea! Now, he and Aerith can haunt Sephiroth for the rest of eternity!

Oh. It's all FFVII in here all of a sudden. Yes, the original one that came out way back in '97. That's like ten years ago!!!

Sephiroth was just walking along in the Sleepy Forest. I know that's probably not even the real name, but I don't feel like looking it up. It's the forest that Aeris, er, Aerith went to after Sephiroth mind-freaked Cloud into giving him the black materia. Alright… lots of blank stares…

C'mon people, work with me here… Basically, it's a forest that… sleeps. And if you enter it while it sleeps, you'll be lost forever and all eternity. Which is really annoying what with the random enemies that appear? And if you're weird and you keep you T.V on Really Super Loud and you sit _really _close to it, then every time there's a fight you have a mini-heart attack.

Anyhoo… the only way to get through this forest was to find this harp thing that somehow wakes the forest. That's fine and dandy… but you have to dig for the stupid harp in the stupid camp that 'just so happened' to be on the outskirts of the forest. Yeah, nice and convenient just in case you needed to stock up on emergency… phoenix downs and whatnot. No food though. And I don't even remember what exactly I did to get the harp. Actually, I think I found it on accident. It happens all the time. And then the power goes out before you save your game, so you have no earthly idea what the fuck you just did…

Understand? Hm? Just go buy the damn game and play it yourself.

Right, Sephiroth was walking through said forest, but he's not lost. Because right after the chibis killed Cloud… he went straight to the Blonde Bishie's apartment and stole all of his key items; including the harp and the dress and the blonde wig.

Don't ask. Just go buy the game.

Sephiroth felt that something was wrong… he stopped, looked around, then looked at his hands. Strange… he didn't remember drawing Masamune… and –ack! - It was shoved through the nub of his hand!

Sephiroth fell to his knees in silent agony and he held up his bloody hand-nub.

Twitching wildly, he realized that his shrieks of agony weren't making a sound. Confused, he looked around him and finally saw that to his horror, he was back **_there! _**In that evil game… Insert dramatic pause here FINAL FANTASY VII!!!!

"_Oh, man I'm freaking out!" _He found himself saying, or rather thinking; since being back in '97 means no voice-overs! And the thought bubble with the corresponding words floated over his head.

"_Gah… this is so annoying…" _he thought. And the thought bubble went: G-A-H… T-H-I-S…" in extremely slow text.

His newfound anger caused him to swing wildly at the stupid thought bubble. He hit it and it sank to the ground. He then continued to beat it with his bloody nub-sword.

"_DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" _ He thought at it with fierce intensity. But just as this thought bubble was dissolving… another took its place directly above his head.

D-I-E! D-I-E! D-I-E! D-I-E!...

"_Aaarrgghhh…!" _He thought. But before he could have certain revenge on the second stupid though bubble… he looked down and noticed his oh-so-fashionable shirtless robe thing that always flowed even when there wasn't any wind was now… a unmovable dress looking thing.

"_No! Not this damn thing again…" _he thought angrily.

N-O! N-O-T T-H-I-S…

"_SHIT!! THAT IS SO DAMN ANNOYING!!!" _ He thought so hard that he thought his brain might explode.

Just then, some happy little girl object just kinda was in the woods. She looked like some cheap knock-off of little red Riding Hood. She was all: _"Do you know where Mt. Nibel is?" _only it came out as a thought bubble.

So if you'd been in Seph's shoes… all you would've seen was a blocky I-think-it's-a-woman-bleeding-from-the-back-of-her-head-and-spilling-down-her-back object of some sort. And it just stood in front of him blinking those unnaturally purple eyes of hers…

Blink blink blink blink. Blinky blink blink blink blinkitty blink blink

"_What the crap?!" _Sephiroth thought.

W-H-A-T T-H-E…

She motioned her nub upward towards her own thought bubble.

"_Yeah… just go that way and you'll see the remains of a burnt down town… we'll I'm not really sure if it's actually still in charred ruins…"_

But Seph stopped right there because when he had motioned his nub in the direction of the Mountain—right behind the girl—he had forgotten the inconvenience of the nub-sword.

And her block head was sent rolling on the ground.

"_Damn…"_

D-A-M-N…

Yes, we shall now return to Riku, who, if you recall, had just succeeded in taking possession of the shiny—I mean Keyblade for a second time! Go him! If he weren't so easily distracted he would stop to jig. But we'll just have to settle for a mental jig instead.

Little did Riku know… he was being followed by the Turtle-Riding Duck. They were able to keep up with him only because he kept stopping to point at random things.

Lucky them.

All of a sudden, Riku went into ninja mode. He was all "-Le Gasp!- Someone is following me! I should be all oblivious-like and pretend that I don't notice their presence! Haha, then I'll surprise them when I say: 'hey, you! Quit with the following and stuffs.' That'll be great!"

And Riku cackled to himself in a semi-evil-ish way. A small big-headed-not-Kairi girl walked up to him and said, "Gee golly gee, Mister Riku, you sure are good at this kind of stuff! –Drool drool-"

And he replied to her, "Of course I am small big-headed-not-Kairi girl…"

"Um… I'm Haley," she interrupted.

"…I finished school." Riku continued, ignoring her statement.

And she replied, "Wait, Mister Riku, aren't you only in you're sophomore year in high school?"

And Riku replied, "Haha, aren't you cute? Now, run along before you get hurt."

But the small big-headed-not-Kairi girl just stood there with her finger in her mouth and blinked at him.

"Seriously, leave ye little hellion." Riku chuckled.

"Will I ever see you again, Mister Riku?" She asked as her eyes welled with tears.

"Haha, oh sweet little-" Riku began.

"Haley." She offered.

"Whatever. Probably not. But don't fret for I shall give you a reminder of your lesson learned here today." With that Riku bent down to bestow upon her a sticker. It read: 'Skool is kool. Don't be a fool. And never, ever play with power tools."

The girl looked back up to thank Riku, but he was gone.

MEANWHILE!!

The Turtle-Riding Duck, whom I shall call Dio-Chan was just now catching up to Riku in one of his fits of forgetfulness. _"Why is he talking to himself…?" _Dio-Chan wondered.

He inched to Riku's leg and jabbed at it with a twig.

"Hey, Riku! Please! Will you listen to me?"

"Hey, it's you…" he said as he bent down, "…who are you, again?"

"I'm-"

"Hey! I remember you! You're that duck!" Riku exclaimed, stating the very obvious.

"Yes, and I have something important to tell you."

"I know, but first, I have a question for you." Riku said seriously.

"Oh, wise Riku!" Dio-Chan said and he bowed his feathered head. "I am humbled to answer!"

"Ok. Good, now…" Riku began.

"Yes?"

"I just wanna know…"

"Yes…" The Duck said becoming slightly annoyed.

"I really, really, **really** wanna know…" Riku said drawing out his question as long as possible.

"Uh-huh?"

"Do ducks…"

"Hmmm…?" Dio-Chan was beginning to fume.

"Do ducks have… thumbs?"

"Wha?" Dio-Chan said, reminiscent of Sora.

"Thumbs. Y'know to hold on to the turtle that you're riding."

"Riku… I told you I've wings, see?" The Duck said holding up his right wing.

"Oh…! But… doesn't that mean you can fly?" Riku asked.

"Well… I suppose it does…"

"Wouldn't flying be easier and faster than riding a turtle?" Riku inquired thoughtfully.

Hmm… I suppose it would…" Dio-Chan said rubbing his non-existent chin thoughtfully. "Thank you, Wise Riku! My parental units were right in saying I should seek your help!" He said as he bowed his feathered head once more.

He waddled over to the turtle.

"Well, Nadine… I suppose this is good-bye…"

The turtle stared blankly with a stupid smile across its face.

"Please don't be that way Nadine! You belong in the wild! You deserve to be free!" The Duck threw himself at Nadine's feet… er, paws… er, whatever you call them.

The turtle still stared blankly with a stupid smile across its face.

"Why, Nadine!? Why do you have to make this so hard for me?!" Dio-Chan screamed hysterically.

The turtle blinked.

"I see… So what you're telling me is… that I shouldn't try so hard to say good-bye… that I should just let go and remember you in my heart and spirit?"

The turtle nodded slowly.

"Okay, Nadine. I understand now." Dio-Chan said, rising to his… feet.

The turtle turned away very slowly and proceed to walk away.

Riku, who had, until just a few seconds ago, been busy staring down rabbits, noticed the turtle turning away.

"Hey, you know what would be fun…?" he said as he picked up the turtle. He threw it and yelled "Turtle toss! Ten points! And the crowd goes wild!!"

The turtle bellowed, "Remember Naaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooouuuuuu!!!" as it flew towards the fiery horizon and burned in the sun.

Just who is this Narou? We shall find out next chapter.

-Evil cackle-

Ansem, shut up!

_TO BE CONTINUED…_

Yeah! I got another chapter done, man! Go me.

1 In case you don't know, Tetsuya Nomura is the character designer for Square-Enix™ and he designed all of the Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts characters.

2 And surprisingly a lot of people have no idea who Billy Zane is. He's the actor who did Ansem's voice-over in the first Kingdom Hearts. He's played in Titanic, Sole Survivor Part One and Two, The Phantom, and Survival Island.

3 Aztec's Revenge is a nice way of saying diarrhea. Did I just say diarrhea? Oh, shnap!

By the way… does anyone actually know what a turtle's foot is called? Let me know if you do.


	3. Just Pretend this is the Best Title EVER

Chapter 3: Just Pretend that this is the best title EVER!

Disclaimer: Once again, I own the duck… and also Riku's blindfold.

NOTE: No actual Corridors of Darkness were used in the writing of this chapter. Because we all know that using Corridors of Darkness messes with your mind and is extremely corrosive to your heart.

A**_NOT_**H**_E_**R (get it? Huh? That's Class A material!): Sora, Sora, Sora. Sora's name is spelled S-O-R-A. Sora. Sora, SORA! There is not a hyphen in Sora's name. If you think there is… then… get your head checked!

Now… just who is this Narou person…?

Time for a flashback… please look at the screen until it gets all wavy-like. If it doesn't work after twenty minutes… go sniff some glue or spray paint and come back and try again…

-Flashback-

…

-End Flashback-

I don't think it worked… oh, well I guess for now Dio-Chan's past shall be shrouded in mystery...

"Thank you, Riku… I'm pretty sure that what you did was for the best…"

Riku finished picking his nose and wiped it on one of the nearby rabbits.

"Hey, look! A talking duck!"

"Haven't we already been through this?" Dio-Chan asked.

"What do you mean mister talky-duck?"

"You know, I never gave you my name…"

"Yeah, you did. It's Mister Talky-Duck, but I'll just call you Talku!"

"Talku…? Where do you come up with this stuff?" Dio-Chan asked while messaging his temples.

"Um… the voices in my head tell me!" Riku said.

Then Yuffie appeared out of nowhere.

"Haha! Told you! The Voices are real. And you shall become their minion! You'll be an Assassin Ninja, like me!" She said as she bounced around Riku.

"Aren't you supposed to be in a stare down with Rikku?"

"Ri-who?" Yuffie stopped bouncing.

"Rikku!"

"Yes, that's you." Yuffie clapped her hands.

"The _girl _Rikku. Dang, woman, will you _please _stop poking me!?"

Yuffie stopped promptly but proceeded to poke Dio-Chan.

"Don't poke the duck, either." Riku said blatantly.

"Ahem! I _do _have a name, you know…"

"That's right, and it's Talku."

"No, actually it's… FOR THE LOVA-_ PLEASE _QUIT POKING ME!!" Dio-Chan screamed at Yuffie.

"Sheesh… you are one loud duck…" she said digging her pinky finger into her right ear. "Yeowch."

Dio-Chan took that pause of the poking and ran behind Riku's leg.

"Ok, Yuffie. You can go back to your own scene now." Riku half-suggested and half-ordered.

"Fine. Nyahhh!" Yuffie said, and she stuck her tongue out at Riku and Dio-Chan.

A warp-hole portal-like thing appeared behind her and she jumped in.

Now, we return to Ghost Cloud. He and Ghost Aerith were in Tifa's bar 'Seventh Heaven' in that slum in Sector 7. I know all of you FF Gurus are all 'You idiot! That place was destroyed and everyone died!'

Well, fudge off, peoples! Cloud and Aerith are both dead… so it somehow makes sense that they're there. And if it doesn't, then go beat yourself with an inanimate object until it does.

Good.

The dead couple cackled to themselves in an evil-ish way. For they had been behind Sephy's reappearance in Final Fantasy VII.

"Now, for the second part of my plan: I will leave little stuffed piggies in random places for Sephiroth to find… and eventually he'll be driven mad by them…"

"Your plans are always so great, Cloudy-poo… when am I going to be Mrs. Aerith Strife?"

"…uh… eventually. Just quit drooling on my Buster Blade; I just had it dry-cleaned yesterday."

"-Sigh- I can't wait…!" She said as a whimsical expression slid across her face.

"Well, that's just one of us…" Ghost Cloud mumbled to himself.

"Hm?"

"Oh, I just said that that day seems to be so close…"

"Ooh! I know…"

Ghost Cloud rolled his eyes and continued to concoct his plans to torture Sephiroth with stuffed piggies.

"That'll teach him to kill me and raid my house for all of my key items!" he said as he finished his plans.

And the Ghost Couple cackled again to themselves until all of the Ghost Residents of Ghost Slum in Ghost Sector 7 were all: "Shut the hell up!!!"

As for Leon… Whilst we all thought that he had been eaten by the Sephy Chibis, he was actually enjoying a nice cup of tea. It turns out that Sephy Chibis don't really have a taste for human flesh.

Yup… they would much rather eat crumpets and drink tea than to dine on Leon's flesh; Which is a good thing according to a couple of annoying Fangirls…

Fangirls #9-10: Hey…! We're not annoying! That's not cool! And Leon is hot!!! And! And! And! AND-!

Please look at the pretty little bunny whilst I beat those Fangirls bloody

It always feels good to beat Fangirls with a mace… Anyway… Leon was enjoying a cup of tea with the Sephy Chibis.

You see, when they were saying 'reunion' they really meant a reunion of Sephy Chibis.

Go figure. Even though Leon was extremely grateful that the Sephy Chibis hadn't wanted to kill him… he was very uncomfortable in their little chibi-sized chairs and tables, drinking out of their chibi-sized cups and eating chibi-sized crumpets off of chibi-sized saucers.

"Um… thanks for the food… uh, guys, but… I'm going to leave now. So… see ya." He said and he walked away from the chibi-sized reunion.

I bet you were thinking that the chibis would be all: -twitch grr no, we won't let you leave and stuff- right? Wrong. Yes, dead wrong. Actually, they walked him through the forest back to the shoreline.

And guess who? Yup, Kairi. She was all: "Hey! Lemon! Where've you been? I've been looking for you. Well, not really; I just said that to make you feel special. So, did it work?"

Leon looked behind him for help from the Sephy Chibis, but they were smart and had taken him there to that exact spot on purpose.

See? They really were out to get him after all. Never trust an innocent-looking chibi. Especially an innocent-looking Sephy Chibi.

Anyway, the chibis were no where to be found.

Kairi looked at Leon and asked her question again, "Well… did it work?"

Leon, having no earthly idea what the red-headed retard was talking about, just nodded slowly and smiled nervously.

"Good!" Kairi exclaimed cheerfully.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Leon said in disbelief and he slapped his hand on his forehead.

"Guess it's just you and me again, huh?" Kairi said.

"Yeah, unfortunately…"

"Yea! It'll be great. We can stay up late and paint our nails, and talk about boys…" Kairi counted off on her fingers.

"Why are you acting as if this where a slumber party or something?"

"It is!"

Leon punched his face several times.

"Maybe if I get a concussion… she'll leave." He found himself thinking.

"Like, omigah, Lemon. We have to like totally visit Selphie!"

Leon, still preoccupied with punching his face, didn't hear.

"She's still here… It's not working…!" He thought.

"AHEM! I said, Like, omigah, Lemon. We have to like totally visit Selphie!" Kairi said.

"You idiot! Do you know where she lives? Do you even know where we are?!" Leon screamed his face now bruised. "Great… now, I've got a headache."

"Yeah… me too." Kairi agreed. "But I'm reasonably sure that Selphie might have some Ibuprofen or something."

"Do you even know what Ibuprofen is?"

"Nope, not a clue."

Hey, know who we haven't heard from for a while? Yuffie and Rikku… hm… yeah, I know… I'm working on it…

After the Three Day Stare Down™, Yuffie and Rikku decided to have a name-calling contest.

"Slut" Riku started.

"Ass" Yuffie retaliated.

"Asswipe" Rikku sounded.

"Asshole" Yuffie voiced.

"Bitch"

"Tramp."

"Whore"

"Prostitute"

"Hooker"

"Streetwalker"

"Harlot"

"Cornerstander"

"Wench"

"Hussy"

"Floozy"

"Junkie"

"Alcoholic"

"Rapist"

"Molester"

"Pornographer"

"Pedophile"

Ansem appeared with a: "Yes?"

"Not you, Ansem!" Rikku and Yuffie screamed in unison.

"Aww…" Ansem disappeared until I say so.

Fangirls #13-16: Hey. Not cool. We love Ansem. Leave him alone! He's never even done anything!

Damn, Fangirls can be bitchy… -shoulders an axe- The axe is the universal off-switch.

Back to Kairi and Leon.

They had been walking for a couple of minutes… and Leon had been slamming his head on every rock along the beach, leaving a trail of blood, when Kairi suddenly stopped and pointed in a random direction. "Lookit! There's Selphie's house!"

Leon, who was simply astounded at the fact that he hadn't died from blood loss—heck, he wasn't even light-headed—looked at the place where Kairi pointed, blinked, looked behind him, blinked twice, looked back at Kairi's pointing-place, blinked thrice, sniffed Kairi, and yelled, "Are you mad?! There's nothing there, you ass! Absolutely nothing! Did your parents drop you on your head?! Did you mother do drugs during her pregnancy?! Why do you live?!"

All throughout this rant Kairi never even budged. She stood still pointing at the opening in the trees. He dared to look again. This time a very pink castle had appeared. The sign right above it read: SELPHIE'S DOOMY CASTLE—ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

"You've got to be kidding me…!" Leon said resuming his mission of inflicting upon himself a concussion.

"Nope, it's the most awesomest place ever!" Kairi clapped her hands together.

"Argh! I want you dead."

Sora somehow found that pub that he had met Riku in back in Chapter One. Come to think of it… what's a pub doing on the beach? Hmm… good question… Hey, look over there! Now, everyone get distracted by that dancing moogle!!!

Sora sat down at the front desk. It was then that he noticed that no one occupied the pub, yet it was perfectly clean; as if someone had just finished dusting off the piano that sat in the corner.

Yup, he could just see that feather-duster moving back and forth. In fact, he _could _see the feather-duster moving back and forth.

"What the hell?" Sora said aloud. "I've really got to quit sniffing spray paint…" he said as he clasped his hands on his head.

The feather-duster then dropped to the floor with a clunk. And Sora decided that he definitely should quit sniffing spray paint. He turned back around to the front desk.

To his surprise, he saw a ghostly figure on either side of him. The one to the right of him slammed down a shot glass and hiccupped.

"Hey… bartender… getssme 'nother shota tequila!" he slurred.

"Aw… he isso coot whenis drunken…" the other on his left slurred.

"Cloud…?" Sora asked the blonde as he picked up another shot glass that had appeared in front of him.

"Wha's sit to you…?" he slurred turning to the brunette boy.

"Are you okay?"

"Whadya mean am I okay? I just gotted kicked outta Tifa's bar cuz hic we were bein' too LOUD…"

"You just look a little… pale, is all I'm saying…" Sora said apologetically.

"Pale?! You call this pale?! I'm fucking translucent!!" he said becoming magically sober.

His Ghost Girlfriend, however, was still half sleeping and half swooning.

"Gah… Cloud's coot… but he doesn't like me though… I'm so fat… I look horrible in pink… I just wear this stupid dress cause… hic cause... I don't gots anything else…" she said drunkenly.

"She's right." Cloud said. "And thanks to Sephiroth…" Cloud paused because just as he said Sephiroth's name… a choir appeared behind them.

_Sephiroth!_

_Sephiroth!_

"Okay…" Sora said scratching his head. "When I get home, I'm throwing out all the spray paint… and glue… and fingernail polish remover…"

"Anyway thanks to him… I have to spend the rest of eternity with her." He said pointing to the snoozing Aerith. "Damn… I gave her a non-alcoholic beer…"

"Wait… why can I see you?" Sora asked.

"I dunno… maybe you have… The Sixth Sense!" Cloud said as he wiggled his fingers all spooky-like.

"Uh… huh." Sora said not convinced.

"Think about it… do you hear voices… that tell you to do things?"

"Come to think of it… yeah… just one. She keeps calling herself the Narrator or something." Sora said thinking back to the previous night. He shuddered, "That was creepy…"

"I know! Since you obviously don't have a life… you should help me seek revenge on Sephiroth-!"

_Estuans interius ira vehementi_

_Estuans interius ira vehement_

_Sephiroth_

_Sephiroth_

"That's really annoying…" Cloud finished.

"Yes, it is."

"Wanna kill 'em?"

"Sure."

Sora summoned the Keyblade and Cloud pulled his Buster Blade out of his hair and they both leapt upon the choir.

All the while…

Leon and Kairi had made it to the castle front gate.

"SPEAK THE PASSWORD!!" A surprisingly doomy voice sounded from the pink castle.

"_Chewy cow eggs are ripe for harvesting…" _Kairi hissed.

"But what if the ducks see?" The Doomy Castle Voice asked in return.

"_Then we'll smack them and tell their mommies…" _Kairi hissed again.

"Can you see how many there are?" The Doomy Castle Voice returned.

"_Only if you'll shut your face!" _Kairi hissed once more.

The castle gates swung open.

"Damn… this is crazy…" Leon mumble as he followed the red-headed idiot into the castle.

The inside of the castle was the complete opposite of the outside. On the interior, hung axes, maces, katanas, shashmirs, shuriken, kunai knives, long daggers, cutlasses, broadswords, and several look-a-like Masamune.

"What the hell…?" He said as he looked around… "There's Buster Blade… and Keyblade, and Masamune… and Demon Shuriken… and Gun Blade…?"

"Tee-heehee!" Do you like them?" Inquired a voice almost as annoying as Kairi's.

"Like… them?" Leon repeated.

"Of course we do! Your house is wicked!" Kairi answered.

The owner of the Not-Kairi Voice stepped out of the shadows. It was none other than Selphie. She waved. "Hi, Kairi! Hi, Lemon!"

"Hey, Selphie!" Kairi elbowed Leon in the side. "Say 'hi'" she hissed.

"Yeah… hey." He coughed.

"Like omigah! We like totally have to have a tea party!" Selphie exclaimed.

"Yea!" Kairi said as she jumped up and down and clapped her hands. "And we can like totally talk about boys!"

"And paint our nails!" Selphie added.

"And stay up late!" Kairi chirped.

"And eat ice cream!" Selphie piped.

"And watch T.V!" Kairi squealed.

"And eat popcorn!" Selphie chimed.

"LIKE, OMIGAH!" They said in unison. And then they girly-giggled.

Leon, who had no clue why he had stayed with Kairi this long, turned to leave the giggling idiots.

Fangirl #11: "Damn straight! Leon isn't going to stay with those idiots all night! Even if he has to sleep in the cold!"

"… in the cold?" Leon repeated.

Fangirl #11: "Yeah! Or in the rain!"

"…rain?" Leon repeated, stopping in his tracks.

Fangirl #11: "Or with those crabs that were so apt to killing him back in Chapter Two.

"Hell, no!" Leon said as he returned to the idiot who were still giggling.

"Like, omigah, Kairi, we can, like totally give Lemon a make-over!" Selphie suggested.

"Like, that's such a good idea!" And the two giggling idiots turned to Leon with evil looks.

"LIKE, OMIGAH!!!! MAKE-OVER!!!" They yelled in unison.

Riku and Dio-Chan had no idea where they were. "Talku… do you know where we are?"

"Obviously not." The Duck said.

"I think that we should just follow this trail of blood." Riku said, pointing at said trail. "Although, last time a trail of blood was followed in a Square-Enix game… death was close by… oh, well…"

And Riku went skipping idly with Dio-Chan at his heels.

He eventually reached that one place that's all doomy… SELPHIE'S DOOMY CASTLE!!! That is.

"Aauuuuuuggghhhh! Pink! It burns!! It's like the fiery depths of HELL!!" Riku then went into convulsions.

Dio-Chan walked up to Riku and merely poked him with a nearby twig.

"It's really not that bad…"

Riku jumped up with his hands over his eyes. "For you!" he accused.

He then dug his hands into his pockets. "I knew this would come in handy…" And he pulled out a black blindfold. Upon tying the blindfold behind his head, his outfit magically changed to that of the Organization Members.

"Trend-setting black blindfold… check. Stylish black cloak… check. Sense of physical humor…" He kicked Dio-Chan and laughed at the little duck for quacking.

"…check. Let's go." He said as he walked off in the opposite direction of the castle.

"Uh… Riku, it's the other way." Dio-Chan voiced.

"I knew that. Competent sidekick… check." Riku said reeling 180 degrees.

And the duo entered the Doomy Castle.

Sephiroth had thankfully found his way to Midgar. And was surprised to see none other than… that chick who… used to hang-out with Cloud and Company… let's see… was it Tiffany? Or maybe it was Tina… Tiana… Tifa? Yeah… Tifa. He was pretty damn sure it was Tifa…

He was all… "Yeah… that's Tifa. Wait… didn't I kill her…?"

She walked up to him. "Hey, Seph."

"Hey, why are you talking to me?"

"Because you're Sephiroth." She answered him.

"And…?"

"You were The Shinra's top Soldier! Long live Shinra!" She said saluting.

"I thought you hated the Shinra…" Sephiroth commented. Why he was even talking to her, he didn't know.

"No! Not since I was reeducated and enlightened!" Tifa said with an empty twinkle in her eyes.

"Been there, done that…" Seph stated casually.

"Then you wouldn't have any problems coming with me for questioning from Shinra himself."

"Yeah… I would. I'd hate to have to kill another Shinra." Sephiroth stated. Although, the thought of killing off that really annoying Rufus with his really annoying high-pitched squealing laughter sounded tempting.

Tifa pulled out a tranquilizer gun and shot Seph in the arm. He looked at her and stifled a laugh.

"Did you really think that would work? I mean, what were you thinking."

"I was thinking… that I wanted to distract you long enough to get this!" She shouldered a grenade launcher and fired at Sephiroth before he could object.

"So… what did you have in mind?" Sora asked the Blonde Ghost.

Well, I was thinking about leaving random stuffed piggies for him to find…"

"That's sounds stupid…" Sora said as he leaned back in his chair.

"No, it doesn't" Ghost Cloud sounded in a small child-like voice.

"Hey… keep it down in there… I have a killer hang-over…" Aerith said from the couch.

"It was a non-alcoholic beer! Just one!" Cloud screamed.

"I wuv you too, Sweetums… -snore-"

"I swear… I'm going to fucking kill her!" he mumbled.

"She's already dead." Sora reminded him.

Cloud turned to Sora, "Stop destroying my hopes and dreams!" he screamed hysterically.

"O… kay…" Sora said, utterly confused by the bi-polar Ghost.

Riku entered the Doomy Castle with Dio-Chan close at his heels.

"Halt!" Said a tiny voice.

"Hm?" Riku said still continuing to walk forward.

"I said 'HALT!!!!'" the small voice yelled loudly.

"Who said that?" Riku asked nonchalantly.

"It was I, Chibi Ansem!" The voice rang out again.

"Oh. Huh. Didn't see that one coming…"

"Of course you didn't! You have a blindfold on!" Dio-Chan quacked.

"Oh, yeah…" he said as he removed it. "That better." Riku blinked his eyes.

"AHEM!" the little voice cleared its throat. "I said… "IT WAS I, CHIBI ANSEM!!! FEAR ME ALL!!!"

"LIKE, OMIGAH!!! LEMON ARE YOU, LIKE, TOTALLY EXCITED?!" Selphie screamed in Leon's right ear.

"Yeah… excited to the brink of suicide…"

"LIKE, OMIGAH!!!" Kairi echoed in his left ear.

"Will you PLEASE quit saying that?!?"

"Like, why Lemon?" Kairi asked.

"Because… it's annoying and I have a headache… WHO THE FUCK IS POKING ME?!"

Leon looked down to see a little duck prodding at his shin.

"What… the hell is wrong with you?" Riku asked as he stepped out of a dark portal from behind Leon's chair.

"LIKE, OMIGAH! IT'S, LIKE, TOTALLY RIKU!!!" Selphie exclaimed.

Fangirl #6: "Wait… back up… where'd Riku come from? What happened to Chibi Ansem? Hey…!"

Me: -looks around- "What Ansem Chibi?"

Fangirl #6: "The one that was in Riku's way."

Me: -Grabs axe- "Why don't you just sit down for a while…?"

"Well, do you have a better plan?" Ghost Cloud asked impatiently.

"Actually…" Sora began.

"Hey, Cloudy-poo… would you be a dear and fetch me something to drink?" Aerith mumbled from the couch.

"How about cyanide?" Cloud mumbled almost inaudibly.

"That's fine, hun…" Aerith yawned.

Cloud rolled his ghostly eyes. "Anyway…"

"Oh… um… why don't you lure him into some sort of trap?" Sora suggested lazily.

"And…?"

"I dunno… capture him in a cage or something."

"Good plan, Sora!" Cloud exclaimed and he clapped Sora on the back, only his hand went straight through.

"Please don't do that again," Sora asked looking rather pale and sickly.

"Do what?" Cloud asked idly. "Man, Sora, you look like you've seen a ghost or something."

Well… I was informed that the whole Ansem Chibi scene should be explained… Damn Fangirls… they just spawn outta nowhere and babble incessantly about Riku, or Sora, or Ansem… meh… At any rate, this is what happened… I guess…

Technically a Flashback (shimmer, shimmer, shimmer, shimmer)

"AHEM!" the little voice cleared its throat. "I said… "IT WAS I, CHIBI ANSEM!!! FEAR ME ALL!!!"

"Okay… uh… move." Riku said.

"Never! Chibi Ansem will not be commanded by the likes of you!" the severely height challenged one said proudly.

"Ok… whatever. I'm leaving." Riku said and he turned around. "Hey! Lookie at what I can do!"

The Bishie raised his gloved hand and a dark portal appeared.

"Haha! Can you do that? Don't answer, because I already know the answer! It's no! Haha!" He said and stepped into the portal. Dio-Chan followed.

"Hey… wait…" Chibi Ansem said solemnly.

End Technical Flashback (shimmer, shimmer, shimmer, shimmer)

There! Happy? Stupid Fangirls… Gah!

"So… do you have any idea on how to lure Sephiroth-? Dammit…" Sora slapped his forehead.

_Sephiroth!_

_Sors imanis et inanis_

_Sors imanis et inanis_

_Sephiroth !_

_Sephiroth !_

"Do what?" Cloud asked over the singing.

_Estuans interius ira vehementi_

_Estuans interius ira vehementi_

_Sephiroth !_

"Do you have anyway to lure him into a trap?" Sora asked again.

"Lure… who?" Cloud was utterly confused.

"Argh… here…" Sora grabbed a piece of paper, scribbled ferociously and thrust it into Cloud's translucent face.

"Um… there isn't an 'f' in 'Sephiroth'…" Cloud said.

_Veni veni venias_

_Ne ma mori facias_

_Veni veni venias_

_Ne ma mori facias_

_Sephiroth !_

"Just… answer the… question…" Sora said through clenched teeth as he tried to repress a severe eye twitch. It didn't work.

"With this." Cloud replied simply, holding up a shiny, glowing, purple orb.

"And that is…?" Sora said, his eye-twitching fit had subsided.

"A chocobo lure."

"… You do realize that… Sephiroth isn't a chocobo… right?" Sora's Twitching Fit had returned.

"Yeah… but he sure is a birdbrain! Hahahaha!"

-silence-

Sora: -eye twitch-

"I said… 'he sure is a birdbrain! HAHAHA!!"

-more silence-

Sora: -more eye twitchiness-

"I said…"

"Okay. Shut up. It was a corny joke. Get over it." Sora said.

"…well… I thought it was funny…" Cloud said, twirling his thumbs.

"I am so glad to see you!!" Leon said in tears from one of those chairs like at the dentist office that he was currently bound to.

"Ok… why?" Riku asked and he took a sip of his slurpee.

"Take me away from the place! It's evile! EVILE!!!"

"I dunno it looks pretty cool if you ask me… and it's nice and breezy, too." He commented looking around. "Hey… is that Soul Eater?"

"Believe me… if you're smart, you'll leave." Leon stated, staining to look behind him. "Hurry and untie me before those giggling idiots return."

"Wait… Selphie said she had a surprise for me… I wanna know what it is first." Riku took another sip.

"Um… perhaps Leon is right, Riku-Sensei. Maybe we should leave." Dio-Chan remarked.

"Talku, you scare too easily." Riku said.

"I'm not afraid... I just think that maybe we should heed Leon's warnings." The Duck said in a small voice.

"Fine, we'll leave… after I get my surprise." Riku said stubbornly and taking a particularly long sip of his slurpee.

Just then, he feel onto the floor, clutching his head and screaming in pain.

"Riku-Sensei!" The duck quacked.

"See! I told you that this place was evile!" Leon claimed.

Dio-Chan rushed to Riku's head. "What wrong, Riku-Sensei?"

Riku wriggled in response.

"Agh… brain… brain-freeze!!!" he shrieked.

"Oh… come on, man!" Dio-Chan said and he smacked his feathered forehead.

"Yeah… I'm okay, now." Riku said as he rose to his feet and took another sip of his slurpee.

"Where'd you even get that?" Dio-Chan pointed to the slurpee.

"I stopped at this nice convenient store in the Corridor of Darkness."

"You didn't get me anything?" Dio-Chan asked.

"I had some beef jerky, but I got hungry and ate it. Sorry." Riku replied.

At that comment, Dio-Chan made a face of disgust. "Yuck, I'm a vegetarian, Sensei…"

"Really? I didn't know that… well, it makes sense, actually. How bad would it be if you accidentally ate your cousin?"

Dio-Chan stared at Riku.

"Oh, Riii-kuuuuu!!!" Selphie called. "Are you ready for your surprise?" she asked in a singsong voice.

Riku clapped his hands together. "Yeah!"

"Okay… now, close your eyes!" Selphie popped her head out from behind the steel door.

"And no peeking!" Kairi added as Riku spread his fingers over his face. "You're not peeking are you?" She asked.

"Fine. I'll put my blindfold back on…" Riku said, digging into the pocket of his cloak.

"Here it is!" Selphie squealed and held up the object.

And Riku was astounded.

What will happen next, you wonder… hmmm…. Let's see… wait for the next installment… nyahnyah!

Sorry no Ansem insert this go around… only one per chapter.

_TO BE CONTINUED… _

Yes! This will be chapter four, I think…. I'm a little fuzzy right now… Hope you've enjoyed it. Even you people who are all: 'This is trash! Why would I want to continue reading this?' but you keep coming back for more… because you secretly like it and you just like to put on a tough-guy front. I love you anyways!


	4. No Need For Props

Chapter 4: No need for Props!!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the Duck, Riku's blindfold, and 50 of the props in this chapter.

NOTE: The name Dio-Chan and Dion will be used interchangeably from this chapter on. Thank you!

"Ok. Question one…" Riku began, holding up one finger to emphasize his statement. "… when the hell did you get my pants?"

Selphie blinked, "I like totally took them when you first arrived!" She said, sounding extremely proud of herself.

"Alright. Question two…" Riku continued, holding up the index finger on his opposite hand to further emphasize his statement. "…why?"

"Why? WHY?! BECAUSE I'M, LIKE, TOTALLY EVILE!!! THAT'S WHY!!!" she spouted suddenly.

Leon rolled his eyes. "Told ya. Now, will you untie me?" he asked calmly.

"Uh… sure…" Riku replied, eye focused on Selphie as she continued to rant about the various reasons why she was evil, and as she proceeded to do an Evile Chicken Dance of Doom. Kairi soon joined.

As soon as Leon as untied, the trio decided not to sneak away quietly but to scream and flail themselves all the way to the front gate to be dramatic.

During their freedom-flail, Riku's fashionably stylish cloak flew off of him to reveal his cute smiley boxers.

Silently, while still running, Riku cursed whatever unknown force had made it so that he lost his pants twice in the same story-line with an angry shake of his still-gloved fist.

And just to prove a point unknown to anyone but himself, Riku kicked the Duck and laughed again at it for quacking.

As the smoke cleared, Tifa wasn't surprised to see Sephiroth still standing. In fact, he was more than standing, he was busy admiring his nails. A feat that proved fruitless, since his hands were gloved.

He found himself thanking whomever his supposed god was for the thought bubbles had ceased to annoy him. Or else the above statement would've been aired for everyone in the surprisingly empty Midgar to see.

After a minute of silence, he broke the ice with, "You know what? I think I'll accompany you to see the young Shinra…" Sephiroth talked at Tifa.

People like Sephiroth don't 'talk to' people like Tifa, who normally wouldn't have been given the time of day in his eyes, they 'talk at' them.

"_I can't believe I'm lowering myself to talking at common slum filth, much less supposedly dead common slum filth…" _He found himself thinking, and was happy to have the freedom of unrestricted thinking his again.

"Good…" Tifa voiced, "I'm sure the Shinra will be more than happy to see you again."

"_There is seriously something wrong with her…" _Sephiroth thought as he followed her down one particularly foul-smelling alleyway.

"You know what…?" Yuffie began.

"No talky!! Just fight!! NOW!!" Rikku screamed.

"Wait! Just listen! The Voices have spoken to me and told me that you and I should join forces."

"Why…?" Rikku began to rock back and forth steadily.

"Because whomever is writing this is running out of ideas for our section and she's thinking about forgetting us on purpose and denying our existence." Yuffie said tranquilly.

Rikku stopped rocking as if to consider Yuffie's offer. "What do I get outta this?" she asked suspiciously.

"Uh… um… you get the glory of serving the Will of the Voices!" Yuffie said cheerfully.

"Well, that lame…" Rikku said and as if none of their meeting ever happened walked away.

Sora was thoroughly tired of hanging out with Ghost Cloud and his Ghost Posse. It was nothing but a bunch of old, smelly men around their mid-40's and all they did all day was play poker, gamble, and make lewd remarks towards Aerith that even she didn't deserve. One had even started to flirt with Sora. Also, Sora had been foolish enough to sleep in the presence of these men and awoke to find his zipper slightly unzipped.

This scared the poor kid senseless and he decided to take his leave of the pub. Upon approaching the exit he turned and said, "To hell with you and all your plans of revenge!!" before storming out the door.

When he realized that his comment had gone completely ignored, he stuck his head back in the door and said 'Sephiroth' fifty times and smiled wryly at the response of the choir.

"That should last him a couple days…" He chuckled to himself as he embarked on his new journey to discover the meaning of cheese.

"Riku, do you have any idea where we are?" Leon asked exasperatedly. He was glad to be away from Kairi at last and be in the company or a couple of actually somewhat intellectual beings. Though, Riku had lost six smart points by shoving his finger up his nose and drooling lightly. (Riku's Smart Count: 100 – 6 94)

"Um… Destiny Islands… the last time I checked, but I really don't remember Selphie having a giant pink castle…" Riku scratched his head. "Oh, well."

"So… you might know where civilization and possible a phone or another communicational device is?" Leon asked as hope sparked within him.

"Yeah, I know where a pub is, actually." Riku said.

"There's a pub on this wretched island…?" Leon asked in disbelief.

"Uh-huh…" Riku replied nonchalantly.

"Why didn't Kairi mention it?" Leon wondered aloud. And then he dropped that thought. "Why _would _Kairi mention it?" he revised aloud. Yeah, that one made more sense.

"Riku-Sensei, isn't that your friend Sora stumbling towards us?" Dion (AKA Dio-Chan) asked.

Without questioning the little duck on how he could possibly know what Sora looked like let alone that he was his friend, Riku nodded his head slowly.

"Why is he stumbling all over the place?" he asked the air. The air then replied with a short but very strong gust that knocked poor Sora over onto the beach face first.

"He looks a little drunk…" Leon commented as he squinted his eyes to see Sora struggled to get to his feet and fall again.

Riku walked over to the poor brunette teen and helped him up "Damn, kid. It looks like you've been through seven layers of Hell." He claimed.

"Yeah, well it feels like it." Sora said and he dusted himself off. "Uh… Riku… why are you in your box-" he started, but seeing the glare that Riku shot at him made him stop his inquiry.

"How long have you been wandering around?" Riku asked.

Sora scratched his head, "Since I left that pub a scene-change back…" he reached for a copy of the To-Be-Finished Script and handed it to Riku.

The Bishie thumbed through the pages. "So that's what Yuffie's been up to since Chapter One…"

"Wait! What did you do with my Keyblade?" Sora asked suddenly.

"Oh, shit… um… I think I left it at the store…" Riku recalled.

Sora snatched the To-Be-Finished Script from Riku, and browsed through the pages until he reached Chapter Three. "You left my Keyblade… in a store in a Corridor of Darkness?!" Sora flung the Script Dion.

Riku picked the Script off the Duck. "Yup… looks like it… my bad." He said apologetically.

"And _how _do you expect me to get it back? I can't just go waltzing into enemy territory unarmed! That's suicide!" Sora blurted out.

"Yeah… that's pretty big pickle you got yourself into…" Leon remarked. Riku and Dion nodded their heads accordingly.

"What the…? This is all HIS FAULT!!" Sora pointed at Riku.

"Hey, I know you're upset, but that's no reason to blame anyone!" Riku asserted.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT!!" Sora twitched in Riku's general direction. He then snatched the Script back from Riku again and found the beginning of Chapter Two. "See? Right there, you stole my Keyblade!" he shoved the Script into Riku's face.

Leon took the Script. "Yup, that's what it says. Damn, Riku were you on drugs or something…?"

Riku ignored Leon's question, "Fine. We'll just have to go back to Selphie's Castle."

"W-what? Why? What's wrong with you?!" Leon sputtered.

"We have to go back to get Sora's Keyblade… and I can't dark portal anywhere without my Cloak of EVILE," Riku explained and he wiggled his fingers in correspondence with the word 'evile'. "Luckily, I left a small rift in Selphie's Castle."

"Nope, I'm not going anywhere near that castle." Leon stated.

"Since when did Selphie have a castle…?" Sora wondered aloud.

"I know! That's what I said!" Riku exclaimed.

"Well, it doesn't really matter now." Leon said.

"Why?" Riku and Sora asked in unison.

"Because of the scene change." He stated matter-of-factly.

"What scene change?" Riku asked.

"Hey! That's not fair!" Sora objected. "I thought this was a scene change!" he looked at Leon expectedly.

"Well… there was a change of scenery…" Riku observed.

They were on the far end of a murky dungeon. In the center was a chair and behind the chair, Sora noticed, there were two figures dancing oddly.

"Is that… Selphie?" he wondered aloud.

Leon hiccupped.

"Haha… they're still dancing?" Riku chuckled.

"… You know why else I'm EVILE?" Selphie asked.

"Why" Kairi asked.

"Because… I purposely flip my hair this way just to annoy the shit outta people!" She cackled and continued to dance.

"I knew it…" Sora breathed. Riku nudged Sora and pointed to a greenish-blackish-purplish hole beside the chair. Apparently, Selphie and Kairi were to into their Evile Chicken Dance of Doom to notice the four figures walking calmly to the hole and hopping in one by one.

"And you know what else?" Selphie asked.

"No. What?" Kairi answered.

"I like totally killed Tidus!" Selphie shrieked with joy.

"Ooh, ooh! What did you do with the body?" Kairi asked.

"It's in my bedroom closet!!" Selphie answered.

"This is a Corridor of Darkness…?" Sora asked skeptically.

"Yup, sure is." Riku confirmed.

"But it's so… bright…" Sora observed. Indeed, the Corridor was vibrant with lime green, cyan, pink, and lavender.

"So…. Where's the darkness?" Leon asked equally as skeptical as Sora.

"Close your eyes." Riku smirked. He took a couple steps in a random direction. Sora couldn't really tell which.

"Where's this store?" He asked Riku. Riku paused and scratched his head. "Uh… let's see…" he looked around. "I think it may be over there…" he pointed in a random direction that seemed to go nowhere.

"That looks promising…" Leon commented.

"Wha?" Sora coughed. In the direction Riku pointed, several white-cloaked figures had spawned from the radiant pinkish-lavender ground.

"Are those Nobodies?" Sora asked.

"What are they doing…?" Riku asked as he squinted to get a better view.

"It looks like they're... dancing…" Leon remarked.

Actually, they _were _dancing. Little did the tetrad know… these Nobodies were practicing their synchronized dancing. You can't win Tri-City Finals without week of practice. Unfortunately for these Nobodies, our tetrad didn't stop to ponder the possibility of Nobodies practicing for a Dance Competition. Yes, Riku and Leon leapt upon the seven of so Dusks and slaughtered them all without a second thought.

Sephiroth decided that he was tired of seeing the back of Tifa's head, so he fixed the problem. He really wanted to fix it permanently, but he was sleepy as was he aware that he hadn't eaten since Chapter One. Killing Tifa would've robbed him of a little energy that he surely would need in the near future.

Nope. He just took a random right turn, leaving Tifa to talk to the air to the air instead of him. The air soon grew tired of her as well and a particularly strong gust of wind knocked her face down.

"Now, find food…" he said to himself.

Yuffie was walking down a forest path. The Voices had instructed her to go and find 'someone who's not exactly there.'

Having no earthly idea who or what they meant, she mindlessly followed a very slow turtle. There was something very suspicious about the particular turtle. It kept turning around and looking at her and then continuing on its way. Once or twice she could've sworn that it had even winked at her. One thing she did know is that it had the most stupid smile she had ever seen across its face.

Before she knew what she was doing, she found herself talking to the turtle. First she told it about her travels, then about her childhood, and then her Voices and their Will. She talked, and talked, and talked. Finally, the turtle turned to her again, twitched slightly, and bellowed, "Shuddap!!!!!" It then sped down the path.

"What was that all about?" She wondered aloud. She continued to skip down the road until she came to an opening in the forest. In the opening was the biggest, pinkest, doomiest castle she had ever laid eyes on.

Sora, Riku, Leon and Dion were all walking in a random direction Riku had pointed out. To Sora, everything looked the same. He thought Riku may have known which way they were going, so he decided to refrain from asking any questions.

"Uh… Riku-Sensei, is it me or are we traveling in a circle?" Dion finally voiced after a long time with nothing but the echo of feet hitting the ground.

"No, no… what makes you think that?" Riku asked.

"Because this is the fifth or sixth time we've passed those dead Nobodies…" Leon pointed out.

"Shilly shally, dilly dally…" Riku muttered. Everyone then looked at the silver-haired Bishie.

"If… I ever say that EVER again… I want one of you to punch me as hard as you can in the face." Riku said flatly.

"Done and done." Sora said. He'd wanted to hit Riku for three entire Chapters.

"That's nice everyone, but I think we should go a different way now. I'm tired of seeing those dead Nobodies and they're starting to smell…" Leon said. Besides, Leon mentally noted that Riku's 'shilly shally' statement dropped him five smart points. (Riku's Smart Count: 96 – 5 91)

"Oh… ok… how about that way?" Riku offered pointing in another random direction.

"You know what? Let me choose this time…" Sora proposed, and everyone save Riku seconded the proposal.

Sora looked around and decided to head toward the direction that the colors were flowing from.

"It looks like we're on the right track, Sora." Leon said when the light began to get brighter. Finally on the horizon, they could see the top of a building.

"Hey, Riku, is that it? Is that were my Keyblade is?" Sora asked anxiously.

"Yup, looks like it." He confirmed.

Sora did a little wiggle of joy. He was thoroughly pleased.

Riku pushed the door open and the foursome entered. The store was completely empty except for beef jerky and a slurpee machine.

"Wow… what a selection…" Leon commented under his breath.

"What was that?' A red-head said from behind the counter.

"Nothing…" Leon shuffled backwards.

"Hey, have you seen a Keyblade?" Sora asked him.

"Nope. 'Fraid I haven't" he scratched his head carelessly. "I haven't had any business at all. Except for this strange kid with silver hair who came in and just stared at me and took off with a slurpee and a half-eaten piece of jerky." He waved his hand in the air. "At least, I think he was staring at me… couldn't really tell, what with the blindfold he had on…" he shrugged.

All eyes turned to Riku, who had shrunk down out of sight behind the slurpee machine.

"Riku-Sensei! You didn't steal from this nice man, did you?" Dion asked.

"Shhh!! Or he'll know I'm back here…!" Riku whispered urgently.

"Riku, get you ass out here." Sora demanded.

"Hey! Riku! I thought that was you! I couldn't tell when you had that blindfold on!" the red-head spurted.

"Uh… heh… hey, Axel." He said as he emerged from behind the machine.

"You own me four munny." Axel put his hand out to accept the currency.

"Not fair! That beef jerky was already half-eaten when I found it!" Riku protested.

"Fine, I'll charge you half of the beef jerky price. So that's still three munny." He said.

Riku mumbled something unintelligible under his breath as he dug into the pocket of his pants that he had somehow slipped on without anyone noticing until now. "Here, happy?"

"Thank you, much." Axel said as placed it in the register.

"Are you sure you haven't seen my Keyblade?" Sora asked one more time.

"Abs-atively, pos-atutley." Axel said.

"Wait, what?" Sora asked.

Axel sighed, "Yes, I'm sure I haven't seen it… man, you're dense…"

"Isn't he?" Riku agreed

Sora turned to leave the store. Followed by Leon, Riku, and little Dion.

Outside, Sora had a mini-fit at Riku.

"Think! Where were you before you came here?" he screamed.

"Um… at the entrance of Selphie's Castle…"

"So, we have to go ALL THE WAY BACK?!" Sora screamed.

"No… there should be a dark portal in here that leads back to the entrance of the castle…" Riku said.

"Great! Where is it?" Sora asked. Riku scratched his head and pointed in a random direction.

Yuffie stepped into the front gate. Someone left it open. She noticed a black cloak on the ground near the entrance. "Huh… I guess someone's in their tightie-whities…" she noted. She pushed the large front doors open and entered the castle.

She noticed a portal out of the corner of her eye. She touched it and it shocked her. She looked around.

"Wow… its dark in here…" She aloud. She was greeted by a little squeak. Upon closer inspection, she noted that it wasn't a squeak. It was an extremely small creature saying "Hey, hey!"

She optically swept the floor for the source of the voice. She caught sight of a little silver-haired person with big orange anime eyes with his back against a giant key. It looked heavy, but she got the vibe that it was seemingly weightless. Nonetheless, the chibi couldn't lift it.

"Hey, you! You have an EVILE glow about you. Lift this Keyblade and take it to that room for me!" The little chibi squeaked at her.

Yuffie saw this as a great way to get some free stuff so she asked, "What's in it for me?"

Ansem Chibi rolled his eyes, "You get the honor of having served the Great Ansem Chibi and his Master."

Yuffie stood straight and proclaimed, "I serve no man! I serve only the Voices!"

"And what do you get in return? Hm? No honor, no glory, not even pay!" Ansem Chibi spat. "At least you'll have a premium dental care package if you served us permanently!"

"A good servant needs no glory or honor or premium dental care packages!" Yuffie declared proudly.

"Well… what about donuts?" Ansem Chibi replied slyly.

"What about 'em?" Yuffie asked cluelessly.

"You get all you can eat if you serve us…"

"… For free?" Yuffie asked cautiously.

"For free." Ansem Chibi confirmed.

"Wait… I need to ask…" Yuffie sat down. "They say… 'What kind?'"

"Oh, all kinds… glazed, crème-filled, chocolate, vanilla, powdered…" Ansem Chibi counted with his fingers.

"Ok… now they say, 'how do we know that we'll get these donuts?'" Yuffie said.

"Um… a contract. We'll have it in writing." Ansem Chibi said.

"Ok… Deal!" Yuffie shot to her feet.

"Good, good…" Ansem Chibi said and a piece of paper flared into existence in front of Yuffie's face. "Just sign on the dotted lines…" and a writing utensil flared into existence beside the paper.

"This… isn't a pen… it's a really sharp needle…" Yuffie observed and looked to Ansem Chibi for guidance.

"Yes, well, we do need you to sign in blood… it just won't work otherwise…"

Yuffie pricked her finger and signed the bottom of the paper hastily and it disappeared in a breath of flame.

"Good, good." Ansem Chibi said once again, "…welcome to our ranks." He said.

"Thanks!" Yuffie bowed. "What're my first orders?"

"Take this Keyblade into that room." Ansem Chibi pointed to a nearby room.

Finally, Cloud had killed the last of the choir members. They just kept coming, like ants. "Peace at last…" he thought aloud… until Aerith yelled from the couch, "Honey! The dog threw up again!"

"For the last time, woman, we don't own a damn dog!" Cloud snapped.

"Oh… I guess it was me again… sorry. Be a dear and come clean it up. You know I think you're sexy when you clean…" she winked.

Cloud full-body shuddered. _"That's just fucking disgusting…"_ He thought.

He somehow forgot about his revenge on Sephiroth and decided instead to seek revenge on Sora. Yes, he was sure that somehow, some way he was responsible for that choir. Cloud left out the door, leaving Aerith to clean up her own mess.

After about three hours of walking in a random direction picked out by, you guessed it, Riku the Incompetent, Sora took it upon himself once again to save the party from walking in endless circles.

"We're not lost!" Riku protested. "There's the store right there!" he pointed behind him. Sora could've sworn he saw Axel in the window waving. Then again… he could've been just a little delirious from drinking that slurpee.

"How's this? Why don't we just follow Sora since he obviously know were we're going…" Leon stated.

"He does not! He found the store by a complete and utter fluke!" Riku protested.

Riku had just rose four smart points by using the words 'utter' and 'fluke' in the same sentence Leon decided. (Riku's Smart Count: 91 + 4 95)

"Riku, you're being a dumbass! Look, let's just go back in and ask Axel for directions, okay?" Sora said somewhat composedly.

The group agreed with this idea and filed in one-by-one into the small store once again.

"Back so soon?" Axel greeted them.

"Axel, you wouldn't happen to know how to… uh… get out of here would you." Sora asked.

Axel pointed to the door. "Man, you really _are _dense, aren't you?"

"How do you get out of the Corridor of Darkness, moron?" Leon catechized.

"Heck if I know…" he said.

"What, do you just live in this store, then?" Riku laughed.

Axel pointed behind the cash register to a stack of blankets and a pillow. "Yeah, uh, pretty much." He said.

"How did you get in here?" Sora asked.

Axel sucked in air. "Well… about a year ago… I was, uh… playing hide-and-seek with Demyx… and… well, I decided to hide in a Corridor of Darkness. Larxene thought it would be funny to seal the rift I left and… well, I can't make any more portals… so, and here I am, stuck in here."

"Seriously?" Sora asked.

"Yup." Axel confirmed.

"Why can't you make any more dark portals?" Leon asked.

Axel motioned toward his jeans and shirt which he was currently wearing. "I'm not wearing my cloak…"

"What does that have to do with making dark portals?" Sora wondered.

"Weren't you paying attention back on Page Five? The power is in the cloak." Riku said.

"Oh, well, that sucks!" Sora said.

"Tell me about it…" Axel agreed.

"So you've been living here all alone for a whole year?" Leon asked.

"Well, not exactly alone. I had some Dusks keep me company. I spent my time teaching them how to dance." Axel said. "That is when I wasn't busy with this store. Do you know how many people come through a Corridor of Darkness? None."

Riku and Leon looked at each other nervously.

"Actually, I haven't seen those Dusks anytime today… I wonder where they are…"

Riku cleared his throat. "Hey, Axel, why don't you come with us?"

"Sure… why not? It's not like I'll be taking any financial blows from leaving the store." He smirked. "Still… I'd like to tell the guys I'm leaving…"

"Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine!" Leon clapped Axel on the back.

"Alright, if you say so…" Axel agreed reluctantly. And all five of them left the store.

"Enough dancing!" Selphie spouted suddenly. Kairi halted and after staring at the dentist's chair for about three minutes, broke out with, "Holy fook, where'd Lemon go?!"

Selphie and Kairi investigated the chair thoroughly.

"Hey, Selphie! What about this darkish-portal-ish thingy?" Kairi asked pointing to the dark portal beside the chair.

Selphie stepped closer to the portal. "Hm… I think this was already here…" She said. "But I don't remember where it goes…"

"I know! Maybe Lemon went into it!" Kairi suggested.

"Yeah! I think we should go in after him." Selphie replied.

"Good plan! But who'll watch over your Castle while we're gone?"

"Don't worry! I have minions!" Selphie cackled. She jumped into the dark portal and Kairi followed.

"Apparently, whenever I fall asleep… I jump dimensions… or some shit like that…" Sephiroth said to a turtle on the shore. Why he was talking to a turtle he had no idea. Maybe he thought that since it was a turtle it wasn't likely to spout something idiotic. Or maybe because the stupid smile across its face provoked random conversations. Either way, Sephiroth was talking to it.

The turtle nodded as if it understood everything Sephiroth had been through. Sephy had a strong urge to pick the turtle up and hug it. After about two minutes of staring at one another, Sephiroth finally yielded to this urge and picked up the turtle and hugged it, "Oh, Turtle-Friend! I love you!"

Seph then hiccupped. "What… the fuck did I just say…?" he said. He set the turtle down and backed away slowly.

Axel proved to be a big help, no matter how damn random he was Sora thought. Thanks to him, the company was able to reach the dark portal in under an hour.

Again, Sora did a little wiggle of joy. No one questioned the brunette as he stopped to wiggle a bit, but Axel did think it was a little strange.

"Ok, people, are you ready?" Riku asked.

"Uh… ready for what… exactly?" Axel asked.

"We're going back into Selphie's Castle." Sora explained.

"Back to where?"

"You'll see." Leon stated flatly.

"Me first!" Riku squealed and he jumped into the portal followed by Dion.

After standing there for a couple of seconds, Sora burst out with, "What's with that duck?"

Leon shrugged, and Axel scratched his nose. "Do you notice how Riku keeps talking to it?" Leon asked.

"I know… I wasn't going to say anything about it." Sora said.

"Is it me or does it have a monocle?" Axel asked.

"Yeah… it has a monocle." Leon said.

"Weird, huh?" Sora said and he hopped into the portal followed by Leon and Axel.

Kairi was chasing the flowing colors in the Corridor of Darkness. She absolutely _loved _this place.

"Kairi, come on! We've gotta find Lemon!" Selphie voiced.

Kairi ran over to Selphie. "Which way should we go?" she asked.

"Uh… I don't know…" Selphie scratched her head.

"Ugh… what's that smell?" Kairi asked after walking a couple of steps forward.

"I have no idea…" Selphie said as she stepped up beside Kairi.

"I know! Let's go this way!" Kairi squeaked and pointed in a random direction.

"Ok!" Selphie followed Kairi.

Yuffie was surprised to see Riku and a little duck hop out of that portal. They stared at one another for about five minutes until Sora came crashing into Riku, followed by Leon and then Axel.

"H-hey! That's mine!" Sora sputtered and he pointed at Yuffie who had the Keyblade pressed close against her.

"Eep!" Yuffie squeaked and she ran into the main hallway.

"Wait!" Was all Sora got out before another abrupt ending smacked him in the face.

_TO BE CONTINUED…_

-Sigh- I'm running out of ideas!! Aaahhhh! Not cool… I need a muse... I like that band… meh… dance!!


	5. Meh

Chapter 5: Meh™

Disclaimer: I'm don't own the title "Meh™". My Alter-Ego owns this word. And I dedicate this chapter to her. I also do not own any characters appearing in this chapter… unless I decide to add in another original character… but I won't… or will I? Also, I still own the duck, and Riku's blindfold. Oh, yeah… and the Sora-Clone… The turtle's mine too…

NOTE: I don't really have much of a note right now… um…. Always pinch your bananas!! Wait! Yes I do! Come back! Riku's Smart Count will be abbreviated to RSC.

"Yuffie! Dammit! Come back here!" Sora screamed hysterically.

"Tee-hee!" Yuffie giggled from around the corner.

"I'll kill you, woman!" Sora roared picking up a bronze statue on a random table.

"Meep!" Yuffie replied after dodging the statue that almost hit her dead in the face.

"Well, now, this is interesting…" Axel commented coolly.

Leon nodded accordingly and Riku replied with a really loud chuckled. Dion simply watched from behind Riku's leg.

Dion noticed a small-ish figure with glowing orange eyes peering from inside a dark room. The duck tugged at Riku's pants, "Riku-Sensei!" and he pointed at the Ansem Chibi.

Riku crept upon the Chibi without it noticing and seized it by it's hair.

"Auugghhh! Let me go!" Ansem Chibi burped.

"What up with you?" Riku inquired.

"You're _holding me by my hair!!_" It squirmed.

"Give me my Keyblade!!" Sora bellowed.

"Master!" Yuffie giggled. "Should I give it to him?" she back-flipped to dodge a crystalline figure.

"Urg… no!" Ansem Chibi managed to squeak.

Riku grabbed it by it's neck. "Tell her to give the Keyblade back to Sora." He hissed.

"N-no!" Ansem Chibi coughed. "My master needs it for her EVILE PLOT!"

Riku slammed Ansem Chibi against the wall and it squeaked like a rubber ducky.

"Tell her!" he hissed again.

"Yuffie! Give the Keyblade back to Sora!" he commanded hoarsely.

Yuffie promptly stopped mid-jump and extended her arm out for Sora to accept his Keyblade. The brunette tripped and fell in reaction to Yuffie's sudden change of direction.

"Here ya go!" She teased.

"Thanks…" Sora replied grudgingly and he took the Keyblade.

Riku dropped Ansem Chibi to the floor with a squeak. "Great. Can we leave now?"

"Yeah, before Selphie and her idiot-monkey found out we're here." Leon agreed.

"Idiot-monkey? Now, _that _sounds interesting…" Axel commented.

"Trust me, it ain't." Leon turned to him. "It's best we leave. Now."

"Should we return to the Corridor of Darkness?" Sora asked as he trotted over to rejoin Axel and Leon.

"Hell, no." Riku said flatly. And Leon agreed.

"Well, I, for one, want to see if those Dusks ever returned to the store…" Axel voiced.

"It's much easier to just leave out of this door right here!" Riku exclaimed and motioned wildly to the door.

"Yeah!" Leon agreed nodding is head severely. Sora only chuckled.

Axel shrugged, "I mean if it'll be outta your way, then I suppose we could just go out this door…" he said.

"I think we should." Riku said a little too quickly.

"Hm… you know… I would venture into hostile territory and ask why you two are so eager to not return to the Corridor of Darkness… but I won't."

Riku gave a nervous smile, "Oh, Axel, you're a riot!" he said a little too loudly.

As Riku and Leon proceeded to nervously laugh obnoxiously, Axel bent down to Sora and whispered, "Is he always like this?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Sora answered.

"Ooh! Selphie! Check it, yo!" Kairi jumped up and down. "Lookit, Lookit! I found another portal-object!"

Selphie Kairi-ran towards the bouncing red-head. "Good job, Kairi! Here's a cookie!"

Kairi jigged a little jig of joy. She liked cookies. Especially chocolate chip.

"Hurry up and eat that… we've got to go through this portal." Selphie said.

Kairi just smiled with cookie crumbs dotting her face. "Let's go!!" she trilled.

Selphie hopped through the dark portal, followed by giddy little Kairi.

Cloud loved flowers. He loved pink flowers. They smelled good. Cloud loved hot-dogs. They also smelled good. But not like a flower… more like an oddly satisfying combination of beef, pork, chicken and Mystery Meat 'X'

Cloud wished he had a hot dog. He was hungry…. Really hungry. Why was a ghost hungry, he didn't know, but damn… the hunger pings were getting to him.

"I wish I had a hot dog…" Cloud murmured.

Suddenly, Mystery Character A appeared. He had a clichéd 'bad-boy, but really was kind at heart and he puts on a bad boy façade to compensate for his horrible childhood that involved squids' attitude. He also had on insert clichéd outfit here and he had insert clichéd eye color here and it complemented his insert clichéd hair color here that was insert clichéd hairstyle here

He was all, "Why, oh, why do you need a hotdog?" and he motioned dramatically with each word spoken.

"Uh… because I'm hungry…" Cloud replied simply.

"But… you are… a ghost." He said dramatically, "tell me your tragic story!"

"I'm not really in the mood right now…" Cloud huffed.

"I was born in a village and my father and brother were killed defending our small village from the local cat-demon! Now, I train endlessly to become strong enough to avenge their deaths, and probably pick up a chick that's determined to win my heart, which is cold because I swore to love no one again!" Mystery Character A, whom I shall name Kohl, said

"Look, man, I don't give a flying fu-"Cloud began.

"I was raped at four!" Kohl exclaimed dramatically.

"Um… I'm sorry about that." Cloud offered as he began to inch away.

Kohl somehow seized Cloud's ghostly arm and said, "I'm gender confused! I wear blush and eye-liner!"

"That's pretty damn… interesting…" Cloud said as he squirmed to get away.

"I'm probably bi-sexual! Or even gay!" he squeaked.

"Oh, shit! Get away from me!" Cloud exclaimed.

"Wait! Don't leave me!" Kohl said and reached up to Cloud's ear, "I'm afraid of being alone…" he whispered.

Cloud's eyes got big and he took off into the forest, leaving Kohl on the ground.

"Ah-ha! Found ya, Lemon!" Selphie squealed after she portal-ed to the castle entrance hall.

"Shit…" Leon said and he smacked his forehead.

"Not them again…" Riku breathed.

"Not who? Who?" Axel asked eagerly.

Kairi also portal-ed into the entrance hall. "Guh-hahhah!"

"What's on your face?" Sora asked her.

"I ate a cookie!" She piped.

"Damn, what'd you have a seizure while you ate it?" Riku asked.

"Who's dat?" Kairi pointed at Axel.

Riku sighed, "Kairi, this is Axel, remember?"

"No…" Kairi replied.

"He… kidnapped you. Remember?" Riku motioned his hand toward Axel, who was trying to burp the alphabet.

"No…" Kairi said.

"Well, then pretend you do." Riku said messaging his temples.

Leon decided to raise Riku three more smart points. Kairi had a knack for making anyone seem like a genius… (RSC: 95 + 3 98)

"Enough of this foolishness! Lemon, you're coming back with us! We haven't even put on your facial mask, yet!"

Leon hiccupped at the word 'facial mask.'

"Yeah! C'mon, Lemon!" Kairi jumped up and down.

Leon backed slowly away.

"Lemon! We love you!!!" Selphie squealed.

The turtle followed Sephiroth. He knew it has there; he just thought that if he ignored it, it would eventually leave him alone. He tried this out for about an hour, and the damn turtle was still there… with its stupid smile…

The turtle surprised Sephiroth with its speed. It sped ahead of him and tripped him up. Sephiroth was definitely tired of this stupid amphibian. He drew Masamune and attempted a downward stab at the turtle. The sword slid off of its shell.

"Dammit…" Sephiroth cursed.

He continued to beat down on the turtle's shell out of blind fury. Apparently, those anger management classes he took after 'assaulting' a fifteen-year-old boy weren't worth diddly-squat… Besides, that kid got what was coming to him… no one tries to take Sephiroth's fruit smoothies! Even if Sephiroth did steal it from the kid in the first place…

Anyway… that turtle's shell must've been made out of diamond or adamantine or materite… or whatever the hardest substance in the dimension is… because the turtle's shell wasn't even scathed.

"My god, it's indestructible…" Sephiroth realized. "It's like indestructo-turtle!"

Sephiroth didn't like this turtle… in fact, he was really beginning to hate it. He hated it almost as much as Cloud. And cats… cats were definitely in the top five Most Hated Things List. This turtle… now, it might be a three or a four… but it was up there.

He picked it up again, this time without hugging it.

"Listen you, I have better things to do than chat with a turtle… so either go away or help get of this stupid island." He shook it like a magic 8 ball.

The turtle burped and nodded.

Sephiroth winced at the hot, stanky, turtle breath. "That was _not _a 'yes-or-no' question. It wasn't even a question; it was a statement. One that you would have to reply to in a complete sentence. Now, talk. I know you can."

The turtle wagged its tail and started to pant like a dog. Sephiroth had an undeniably strong urge to just chuck the turtle clear across the ocean, but he knew that this turtle was most likely his best bet to getting off this island.

He tucked the turtle under his arm and made his way into the forest.

Kohl took a few steps in the direction of the northern persuasion. "Where am I?" he asked.

The one thing about self-aware characters is that you can never get them to follow along with the storyline.

He knew that he was forced against his will to scare off the only person that he's seen for about three days of wandering aimlessly. Actually… he didn't know this until I just now said it… Stupid self-aware characters…

He growled out of frustration. It was going to be hard to get anyone to help him if he scared them away just because the author willed it so…

"Readers, because the author just so happened to leave out a bunch of details… I'm about five-foot, seven-inches… I weight around 160lbs, my eye-color is brown, my hair is choppy and honey-colored and yes, I do look like a chick. But I _don't _wear make-up." Kohl explained.

Kohl wears make-up; lots and lots of it. Everything… eye-shadow, blush, eye-liner… lip-gloss. And not the kind that tastes good when you lick your lips. He likes the sparkly kind.

Kohl messaged his temples. "I don't wear lip-gloss or eye-shadow…" he began.

But that really didn't matter because as we speak, the author is deciding whether to keep Kohl as one of the characters or to have him meet an untimely death. And the odds are stacked heavily against his favour…

I'll let you know if this goes anywhere…

"Hey, check this out…" Riku said. He pulled out a cookie from his pocket (yes! His pocket!) "Kairi, there's a chocolate cookie with your name on it over here!" he taunted.

Kairi promptly spun around and tackled Riku for the cookie. When she snatched it away, she squealed a little squeal of joy and preceded to head-butt the cookie, sending crumbs flying everywhere.

"I think she needs professional help…" Axel commented.

"She already receives it." Sora replied grimly.

"Oh, snap! So, she used to be worse then?" Axel asked in disbelief.

"Yup…" Sora said.

"Man, that is the _funniest _thing I've seen all day…" Riku said wiping away a tear.

Kairi was attempting to salvage every last cookie crump from the cold castle floor.

"Kairi! Stop eating off the ground!" Selphie commanded.

Axel butted in with, "Where'd Sora go? He was just here…"

So-ra appeared. "Hello." And he waved.

"Durr?" Kairi chuckled.

We have to get Lemon back into the Chair of Doom!" Selphie wailed.

"Why does everything in this fucking fic have the words 'of Doom' attached to them?" Riku asked.

"Because, it makes them sound cooler and more EVILE!" So-ra said.

"And why is evile spelled with an extra 'e'?" Riku continued.

"Maybe you should stop asking questions, Riku." So-ra said.

"And why is there suddenly a hyphen in your name? That definitely wasn't there before… the readers are probably thinking that the author keeps making some kind of typo or something…"

"What are you talking about… my name's always spelled with a hyphen."

"No, it's not…" Riku pulled out the To-Be-Finished Script and turned to the Chapter Three and read: "'A_**NOT**_H_**E**_R (get it? Huh? That's Class A material!): Sora, Sora, Sora. Sora's name is spelled S-O-R-A. Sora. Sora, SORA! There is not a hyphen in Sora's name. If you think there is… then… get your head checked!'"

"That's a lie." So-ra stated plainly.

"Wait a sec…" Riku began, "You're not Sora…"

"Of course I am…" So-ra said.

"Yeah? Since when did Sora have a beauty mark on his left cheek?"

"… um…"

"Everyone knows that the _real _Sora doesn't have a beauty mark on his left cheek. It's on his right!" Riku concluded.

So-ra peeled the beauty mark off of his left cheek and placed it on his right. "See? I'm Sora!"

Kairi, who had until just now been staring at So-ra, pounced on him.

"What the…?!" He sputtered.

Leon took this break to jump into the dark portal followed by Axel, then Riku and the oh-so-quite Dion.

Good news!

It seems that Kohl shall be staying in this fic after all! Hooray!

Kohl was walking on a narrow bridge of a really deep canyon.

"No, I'm not."

Ha-ha… sure you are!

"No… I'm not."

Kohl was surely delirious from being up in such thin air. That canyon was in the middle of a mountain range, you know…

"I really wish you'd just leave me alone…" Kohl murmured.

Ha-ha… silly self-aware character…

Despite the random appearance of that psycho-path… Cloud was still very hungry. He had half a mind to just eat some grass and get it over with.

Yup… those blades of grass were looking mighty delicious right about now…

But… before Cloud could even edge towards the delicious-looking grass… something happened.

A something that was so great…. That went it happened…. Cloud was stunned. He was more than stunned…. He was astounded… No, forget astounded… Cloud was down-right flabbergasted.

He had experienced flabbergastation!!!

When Cloud recovered from his flabbergastation, he saw a dark figure hovering over him.

"You the hell are you?!" He asked very pissed. You'd be pissed too if you were flabbergasted on an empty stomach.

"I am the voice of the audience!!" The figure's voice boomed.

"Ok… so what do you want?"

"_I _don't want anything. It's what the audience wants!!!" The figure waved his cloaked arms wildly. He very much resembled a large, featherless, raven attempting to take flight.

"Well, then what do they want?" Cloud asked.

"They want… you to… find Aerith and apologize to her!!!" He squawked.

"No." Cloud said blatantly.

"Do it!!"

"NO!" Cloud raised his voice.

"C'mon… please…? I'll lose my job if another client fails to comply…" The figure whispered.

"Sorry, I just can't help you. I wish I could, but I can't…" Cloud shrugged.

"W-why not?" The figure sputtered.

"I absolutely refuse to go anywhere near that woman…" he explained.

"That's so stupid…" the figure said.

"No, this plot-line is stupid" Cloud sniffed. "Now… if you excuse me, I must go on and complain about my hunger." He brushed by the figure, whose family would surely go hungry tonight.

"Ok, so is it me, or did Sora seem a little… off?" Leon asked.

"It's Sora," Axel agreed.

"He's obviously an imposter!" Riku rationalized. "I can't believe he thought that I wouldn't notice that beauty mark… what a moron…"

"Yeah… moronic, indeed…" Leon agreed.

"Ok, so we all agree that he's a moron…" Axel began level-headedly. "so what should we do about him?"

"Kill him," Riku stated flatly.

"Kill him? Isn't that a bit extreme?" Leon stated

"Hell no," Riku replied.

"But…" Leon started.

"NO!!" Riku twitched.

"Fine… if you say so..." Leon rubbed his head.

It wasn't the real Sora after all, so Leon felt that there wasn't much of a problem. He glanced back over at Riku, who was popping his knuckles, then at Axel who had an unreadable expression.

"We'll need to find this imposter Sora again." Riku said suddenly. "Any idea where he went?"

"He's probably in the Castle with Kairi and Selphie still…" Axel concluded.

Riku and Leon both turned to look at the dark portal from which they entered the Dark Realm.

"We have to go back... _again?_" Leon whimpered.

Axel, the only one seemingly unfazed by the Castle, nodded. "Yup, unless you don't wanna find Sora."

Leon tilted his head in consideration. He never really had an extreme fondness for the spiky-headed child… and he was pretty damn sure he could live the rest of his life without ever seeing the kid again, but Riku's exclamation interrupted his train of thought.

"He owes me twenty munny! Hell, yeah, we're finding him!" The silver-headed boy declared. He nodded towards Axel. "Axel, if you don't mind…"

Axel nodded in returned a promptly made another dark portal.

With that Riku jumped back into the dark portal for the umpteenth time in this story. Followed by, of course in this order, Axel, Dion, and the ever-hesitant Leon.

"Kairi! Get offa me!" So-ra shrieked.

"No! You're the pony!" Kairi giggled insanely.

"I'm not a pony!"

"Yes, you is!" She had a big smile on her face now.

"Kairi, I'll give you a cookie if you get off of So-ra…" Selphie tempted.

"Oooooh!!!! A cooooooookie!!!" Kairi gurgled. "Gimme!" she hopped off So-ra.

So-ra took to his feet, dusted himself off, and promptly stated, "I'm not So-ra, I'm Sora."

"Give it up. We know you aren't the real Sora… so stop acting…" Selphie shrugged.

So-ra shot Selphie a reproachful glare and snarled up his face in response.

"Calm down… we have a proposition for you, my friend…" Selphie replied slyly.

So-ra cocked his head to one side, "What kind of… proposition?" He said muttered with a grin.

"All I want is for us _all _to be happy… and you know what would make me happy?" She teased as she stepped closer to So-ra.

"Um… no." So-ra replied blatantly.

"I want Leon back here." She whispered into So-ra's ear.

"LEMON!!!" Kairi gurgled from the corner. Selphie huffed in her direction.

"And I know what you want…" Selphie continued. So-ra's eyes widened.

"Er… excuse me?"

"I know what you want…" She repeated.

"No, no, no, no, _NO! _That is _not _the way I ride!" So-ra backed away from Selphie.

"What are you talking about?" She asked as she reached into her shirt.

"_NO! _FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!" The faux brunette boy screeched.

Selphie gave a quizzical furrow of her brow as she pulled out a thick wad of twenties. "You don't want my money?"

"MUNNEH!!!" Kairi squealed.

So-ra's face became dumbstruck. "Um… I don't want your stinkin' bra money…"

"MUUUUNNNNEEEEH!!" Kairi squealed louder.

So-ra shot a glance at her. "Does she not shut up or something?"

"Yeah, pretty much…" Selphie sighed.

So-ra shrugged it off and turned to head for the Caste Gates.

"Wait! Where are you going! We'll be great together! We'll make history!" Selphie shouted hysterically.

"I'm not looking for any partnerships… I'm looking for--" So-ra began, but was rudely interrupted by a flailing, teenage boy landing directly on top of him. Followed by a swearing red-head, a tiny duck, and a brunette, who landed on his bum.

"Damn, Axel… can't you control where they portal ends?" Leon cursed, rubbing his bum.

"No, not really…" He said, lifting himself off of Riku. Dion fell to the ground with a semi-audible thunk.

"Aha! The fiend!" Riku declared loudly as he hopped off So-ra.

So-ra stood up and pointed to himself, "Me?"

Riku nodded energetically. "The very one!"

"Quit fooling around, Riku and let's handle this already…" Axel huffed and twirled his chakram.

"Yeah…" Leon agreed, "I'm ready for this chapter to end…"

And at that instant, almost as if some omniscient force foresaw this coming event… the chapter came to a not-so-abrupt ending.

"God, it's about damn time!" Leon blurted before the…

…_TO BE CONTINUED…_

To you crazy people who've been following thus far…

So sorry for the belated update… I caught the infectious disease known as writer's block… (which I occasionally use as a cover for forgetting to finish a chapter, forgetting to post a new chapter, forgetting to edit revise chapters… and just for being lazy…) So… Chapter Six… shall be coming up… soon-ish… don't expect much, but do expect shorter chapter lengths from now on… Thank you!


End file.
